. . . law school is crazy y’all . . .

 

 

Let me just be very real here. I’ve lost touch with life in a lot of ways. I am constantly at school, always reading cases and researching. I barely see my family, and when I do it seems so momentary- such a drastic difference from when I homeschooled my kiddos and was home with them all day long everyday- which seems like a million years ago, even though it was only a few months back.

I’m writing today, because I need to feel something. I need to feel alive again. Writing used to be that escape for me, and at the same time, it kept me grounded.

Law school writing is different. Sooooo different. It pretty much sucks the life and soul out of you, and puts all of your creativity into an untouchable box, high up on a shelf that you can’t reach.

It’s there though, you know it’s there, because you can see the corner of it just past the edge of the shelf. It’s forbidden. You’re not supposed to touch it, because if you do a monster is likely to bite your hand. But, all the while you stare up at it, wondering when you’ll get it back.

I keep trying to be positive and see the good, and look forward to the day when I’m doing what I love, but it’s hard to do sometimes.

We have exams this week and next week, and while I should be studying, I’m sitting here staring at a wall wondering how I’m possibly going to get it all done.

Someone may say, “You can’t get it ALL done, so why try?” I tell them that if I don’t try to get it all done, I won’t try to get any of it done. Here’s the real question though:

If I don’t try to get it all done, how will I know that I can’t get it all done?

If I don’t try to give my all and do my all, I will give up.  I can’t give up . . . not now, not when I’m so close.

The problem is, I’m exhausted. If I could just sleep for like a week, I could probably feel normal again. 😉

That’s not going to happen though.

I have to keep going . . . keep trying . . . keep working . . . keep praying . . . keep moving . . . keep getting up . . . keep  showing up . . . keep on keeping on

Each day is a different battle, but each day I’m learning to adapt. The work isn’t so bad or so hard, it’s just the tedium and monotony of it all. Day after day after day.

But, you know what? It’s worth it. Every day, we grow and we learn and we change and we become who we are in each moment. I can train my body and get into great shape by eating right and working out. The work and the effort produce visible results, and it keeps you going.

Law school for me is different in that the visible effects aren’t so appealing . . . lol. The bags under my eyes have their own bags. At one point, I was actually losing hair, and let’s not get started on how many days I’ve missed at the gym!

On the outside, I look like a hot mess, and I have very little to show on paper for the sleepless nights and hours of studying.

In fact, sometimes I feel like a bumbling idiot talking about nothing at all. There are so many emotions, thoughts, and words . . . oh so many words to read each day and then later to comprehend.

This by itself shuts my speech processing down in a quick second. Shit, just processing in general. It’s like my brain is on a vacation and it’s not taking any messages. So absentminded. I’m having to multitask on a level I have never had to before, and it’s stretching me.

But, I know this process is bringing me closer to my goals. I know I’m stronger everyday I choose to keep going. And that’s all I can do . . . keep reminding myself of the things I know, even when it feels like I know very little.

I know I love my kids, I know the effort will pay off, I know I can’t give up, I know I have to press on . . .I KNOW I CAN DO IT!

And That’s all I got folks.

Peace Out, Ya’ll!

~ julie ~

. . . imitating the cornerstone . . .

Lately, I have been taking time to get a few things right in my life.  Aside from still studying (my life long task), I’ve been focusing on getting fit and healthy.  So, a few days after Labor Day, I joined a gym called 9Round, and have been making an effort to go e.v.e.r.y single day that they’re open.

On my way into the gym this morning, I caught a glimpse of myself in my car’s reflection (yes, I’m that vain 😉 ), and a thought occurred to me.  Actually a series of thoughts, that went along the lines of, “I’m looking pretty good,” and “I’m getting pretty strong,” and “I’ma show ’em, I’ma show ’em . . .” this process of self-inflation, went on for a few more moments, admittedly.

But then another thought occurred to me: “Wait, haven’t I had this thought before?”  More than once, in fact, only to walk into the gym to have my a** handed to me by the trainers and their specifically designed workouts.

And once again, I was left with the realization of why I show up everyday – because I need them.  The trainers, and even the other members working out right along side me.  For me – this healthy life I’m pursuing is not all about me, ironically – and, I can’t do it alone.  I need others, and perhaps some others out there need me.  Without them, I lose motivation and the steam to keep going.  They keep going and it helps me keep going.

However, without the trainers who show up, make up the workouts, and encourage us (read: put us in line when we whine) along the way, going would be pointless.  There would be no direction, and nobody holding it all together -in the sense that a business cannot run without it’s worker bees.  In essence, the trainers keep us all going.

In the same way, I can relate this to my understanding of God, and His influence in my life.  Sometimes I think, “I got this!” And not in the way where one reassures himself in an effort to self-motivate.  But, in the lofty way of thinking that “I can handle life and all its problems on my own.”  The pride of “Me taking care of Me by myself,” and it’s all I can do to keep the plates spinning overhead, while juggling apples, swords, and torches at the same time.

Just like working out, I can absolutely do it alone.  I can do it alone for a little while anyway, but eventually I get burned-out, bored, or just plain complacent.  If I try to go at life alone, without realizing the weight which the cornerstone is bearing for me – I’m misled.  But more than that, I’m really just treading water.

Ephesians 2: 19-22 (HCSB):

19So then you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with the saints, and members of God’s household, 20built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus Himself as the cornerstone. 21The whole building, being put together by Him, grows into a holy sanctuary in the Lord. 22You also are being built together for God’s dwelling in the Spirit.

According to ye good ‘ole Wikipedia, the cornerstone :  

is the first stone set in the construction of a masonry foundation, important since all other stones will be set in reference to this stone, thus determining the position of the entire structure.

 

Supporting each other, motivating each other, and realizing where our strength lies- is the key to showing up everyday and succeeding.  When we rely on others and provide motivation and support for others in turn, we are acting in a way that is consistent with the cornerstone.  We are essentially imitating the cornerstone by edifying, or building one another up.

I guess what I mean to say is, without the support of others when it comes to healthy living and habits, I quickly fall into bad habits again, and although it gets easier as I plunge forward, this is truly a daily battle.

And . . . Without the true cornerstone of my life, I fall apart completely.

Imitating the cornerstone is not quite as lofty as thinking, “I got this on my own.”      No. . . . indeed, it’s quite the opposite.  It’s being a vessel used in support of others, while they support you in return.

Just some random thoughts I had today, hopefully they meant something to you as well. 🙂

~ Peace Out Y’all ~

Julie

 

Versos en español: Efesios 2:19-22 (NBLH)

 

 

. . . i have to do something . . . this is why . . .

**WARNING:  THIS CONTENT IS QUITE DISTURBING AND NOT MEANT FOR CHILDREN.**

Nicole Kidman’s Father Dies Amid Pedophile, Child Murder ring allegations (video included also)

Please follow the link above and read the article.  Alternatively, I will copy and paste the whole thing here below.  This is an article written by investigative journalist and author, Judy Byington.  What follows is unimaginable for the average person.  But it happens everyday all over the world, and it needs to STOP!

Here is the article in full copied below:

Dr. Antony Kidman died Friday after fleeing Australia when accused of the sexual abuse and murder of children in an elite Sydney pedophile ring. A month prior Fiona Barnett had filed a complaint with the Australian NSW police and Child Abuse Royal Commission alleging Kidman’s sexual and physical assaults on her throughout childhood. When the Commission opened an investigation the clinical psychologist suddenly left his 43 years with the Sydney University of Technology and Royal North Shore Hospital to stay in Singapore until he died. The family has refused to comment and Singapore police opened an investigation on what they termed as an unnatural death.

Yesterday Barnett released her own theory about Kidman’s death,” The main perpetrator of my child sexual abuse, Antony Kidman, is dead after I filed formal complaints accusing him of the rape, torture and murder of children in an exclusive Sydney pedophile ring. As a child victim of mind control I feel he’s been sacrificed for failing to adequately program me.”

“Kidman was responsible for ensuring that I never disclosed pedophile ring activities that I witnessed as a child,” she continued. “He failed. News of Kidman’s death impacted me, someone who has undergone intense treatment. I know that there are other victims of Kidman’s crimes out there who are perhaps not as far along the healing path as I am. I anticipate that news of Kidman’s death may have a serious impact on these victims. A perpetrator’s death can even trigger suicidal ideation.

“My complaints last month to the Australian Child Abuse Royal Commission detailed two incidents in which Kidman subjected me to horrific physical and sexual assault” Barnett said. “But there are even more serious crimes against children that I witnessed Kidman commit as a member of the elite Sydney pedophile ring. Those complaints have gone to the International Common Law Court of Justice in Brussels.”

Barnett spoke out the day of Kidman’s death – White Balloon Day 2014 – an event aimed at raising awareness for Australian children affected by sexual assault. She stated, “My contribution to White Balloon Day 2014 is to urge my fellow victims of crime to fight the filth that this monster deposited in their minds and if they can muster the strength, join me in my effort to give a voice to victims who are no longer with us.”

The ICLCJ Court has been looking into Barnett’s allegations against Kidman in relation to their investigation of the global elite Ninth Circle Satanic Child Sacrifice Cult. Over sixty eyewitnesses such as Barnett have testified of Ninth Circle child sacrifice and pedophile activities that spanned the globe, including criminal activities against children in the Americas, Netherlands and UK commonwealth countries such as Australia.

The Ninth Circle was also said to have well organized and secretive human hunting parties that included pedophilia. Privately owned forest groves were believed used in the US, Canada, France and Holland. It appeared children and teens were obtained by the criminal drug syndicate Octopus, which was believed connected to the Vatican. The kidnapped children and teens were said to be stripped naked, raped, hunted down and killed.

Since the tender age of three Barnett had been trapped inside Australia’s vast pedophile network where children were sex trafficked, hunted down for sport and murdered. “In the late afternoon of Oct. 28 1975 I was taken to my sixth birthday party in the Kiama rainforest,” Barnett said. “The cordial was spiked with drugs. I fell asleep. When I awoke it was dark and I was lying naked face-up spread-eagle on a picnic table with my hands and legs tied. Perpetrators took turns sneaking up on me. A large group of men arrived in pick up trucks. They carried rifles and had a pack of starving Doberman dogs. I was told that the group of naked children huddled nearby were my responsibility. I was to run and hide them. Every child I failed to hide would be killed and fed to the dogs. They painted something on my back and chest, and then released us. I pushed the children up over the first steep hill. It was about the second or third hill that the hunting party reached us. Shots were fired and children began dropping all around me. With all hope lost of my saving the other children, I took off and ran for my life.”

Dutch therapist Toos Nijenhuis testified at the ICLCJ Court that as a child and like Barnett, she was badly abused and forced to witness child murders that involved global elites, claimed childhood torture at Barnett’s same Australian Holsworthy Army Base and like Barnett, was a victim of Human Hunting Parties. Nijenhuis’ perpetrators included former Pope Joseph Ratzinger, Dutch Catholic Cardinal Alfrink and Bilderberger founder Prince Bernhard. Nijenhuis explained to International Tribunal into Crimes of Church and State Secretary Reverend Kevin Annett, her witness to child sacrifices as late as 2010.

The Ninth Circle Satanic Child Sacrifice Cult could easily hide crimes of their global elite members. They were well trained by Hitler’s mind control experts from Nazi Germany. Barnett’s Nazi grandfather’s pedophile network was said to include clinical psychologists Kidman and John W. Gittinger who developed a popular test among psychiatric professionals known as the Personality Assessment System. In the Independent Australia News Barnett stated that as a young child, “Gittinger abused and raped me.”

In another article of the Independent Australia News it was reported that Barnett’s dramatic testimony put members in tears when she went before the Australian Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse. Barnett had named as her perpetrators her grandfather, Kidman, two former Australian prime ministers, a Parliament House governor general and a state police commissioner. As with child pedophile rings in the Netherlands, Europe, Canada and the US, the Australian pedophile network was said to include police officers, psychiatrists, biochemists, psychologists, actors, writers, politicians, university lecturers and medical doctors.

“The Commission was in the process of investigating my complaint when Kidman was found to have left the country,” Barnett said. “Now one month following my notification against Kidman, he is dead. Kidman’s death comes as no surprise. In the past week alone, two people predicted his imminent demise.”

This article is dedicated to victims of the Vatican and mafia-run global elite Ninth Circle Satanic Child Sacrifice Cult, and to the memory of over 50,800 missing children, some of whom rest in 34 mainly Catholic-owned unmarked mass grave sites – that have been refused excavation – across Canada, Ireland and Spain. The child perpetrators continue to live lives free of responsibility for their ongoing crimes. Our prayers are with these innocents, and should be for ourselves if we allow this Child Holocaust by our global leaders to continue.

About the Author
Judy Byington, MSW, LCSW, retired, author of “Twenty Two Faces: Inside the Extraordinary Life of Jenny Hill and Her Twenty Two Multiple Personalities” (www.22faces.com) is a retired therapist, Public Speaker, Activist and investigative journalist whose articles on international child exploitation rings have been cited on hundreds of blogs and websites. The ex-Supervisor, Alberta Mental Health and Director Provo Family Counseling Center is the CEO of Child Abuse Recovery and Speakers Bureau (www.ChildAbuseRecovery.com).

If you have news tips about child abuse issues that may connect to international child exploitation rings, please email Judy info@22faces.com.

You are invited to sign our petition to Congress for an investigation of the CIA mind control of children by clicking here: http://www.change.org/petitions/us-congress-survivors-request-investigation-cia-mind-control-of-children

THIS.

This is just EXACTLY the kind of CRAP that goes on out in the open, “behind closed doors” everyday all over the world that has pushed me over the edge in pursuit a Law Degree.  I can’t even stand it.  This type of thing, these associations I mean, even happen here in the states.

Do some research on The Bohemian Grove set up in California to see what I mean.  More specifically, search for “Bohemian Grove Exposed.”  If that piques your interest, go to YouTube and search for Senator Nancy Schaeffer.  Not long after she started giving speeches like this one:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry5eSKyZ98g  she turns up dead.  Read about her untimely death HERE.

These things keep getting covered up, and keep going unnoticed and unchecked.  Whistleblowers are being murdered for sharing the truth.  When will it stop?  I don’t know, but all I can think of right now is that Edmund Burke / Thomas Jefferson mixed quote: “The only thing needed for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”   

Therefore:

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

I’ve tried to talk myself out of pursing this path, in favor of staying home w my kids and blocking out this world from my vision, and keeping them “safe” under my wings of protection . . . But, I just can’t.

After learning that I had decided to go to law school, a well-meaning attorney friend of ours asked me: “Why do you hate yourself?  You know law school is like counting to a million, anybody can do it, but why would you want to?“

He made a very good point, and I seriously considered his stance and had to ask myself why would anyone want to do it, and especially why I would want to do it.

THIS IS WHY.

In fact, I will gladly count to 2 Million very slowly, if in the end, I can help even one victim of sex trafficking find hope through the legal system and additionally the hope of healing.

God has given us all a certain measure of strength to do things with, and when we use what’s “in our hands,” that being the gifts, talents, resources, and knowledge we’ve been given or have acquired, we can truly make an impact that nobody else can erase. What we are meant to do, our purpose, can’t be taken away from us.   This is what compels me.

Even though I’m not so naive as to think I can set out to change the world and conquer alone, I do know that I have to do my part, however small or big it may be.  My part is still a valuable piece to the puzzle.  We all contribute something to the history of this world after all.

When my kids grow up, I hope they can look at me, and see a woman that was willing to be broken for others and take a step of faith even when the path was obscured before her, in order to clear it for those coming up from behind her.  

What do ya’ say??  Let’s CLEAR some PATHS!!

**Peace Out Y’all**

~ Julie ~

**UPDATE**

Just as a follow up . . . some people are saying the original article could be a “hoax,” due to where it was published (on beforeitsnews.com – a site which allows users to upload anything).  However, with everything I’ve shared here and read elsewhere, I know it’s not.  Not to mention the fact that the article in question has been published on other sites and the facts surrounding the case are all there and are being substantiated.

Here is another site which reviewed the original article on the hope that it was a hoax, and in the end found it to be regarding actual truth where the author found sources and source info.  I know for most this is hard to believe, and they want to believe it’s a “hoax,” which will only make the cover-up that much easier, but it’s not.   http://illuminatiwatcher.com/nicole-kidmans-father…/

Furthermore, you have to ask yourself, why would the news media be going out of their way to give condolences to a “lesser known” entity.  Have we heard nearly as much about other celebrities’ parents dying?  Probably not, and for good reason- there was nothing they were trying to cover-up or flush out of the search engines database when searching for those names.

The people involved in these sorts of crimes are high up and “untouchable” and they are that way for a reason . . . because they have control or a controlling interest in things such as mainstream media, etc.  Anyway, I’m convinced people will block out what they don’t want to face, and believe a man died from a fall, even though the Singapore government is investigating the death, but I can’t close my eyes to this kind of thing anymore.

I stand by my original statement:  If you don’t see them (the victims) it’s because you’re not looking.  Let’s stop turning a blind eye to injustice.

. . . living everyday like it’s my last? Um, No Thank You! . . .

“Seize the Day,”  they say!

Ok, I have been called an idealist and a realist at different times, and I agree that I am both.  It just depends on the day, or more likely the time of day.  I can in one moment see the greatest possibilities and see absolutely no impossibilities . . . one of my most endearing traits, I must admit. 😉  But, at other times, I see the “practical” side of things.  I see the things that have to get done and the hours I have to get them done in.  Enter: My realist self.  “Get it done.”

So, it’s no wonder that I LOVE the idealist side way more, and I LOVE to dream BIG, and see the possibilities more than anything else.  I love being inspired and inspiring others. I love reading things like these to get my day going:

Forever is composed of nows.  ~ Emily Dickinson

Wake up and live.  ~ Bob Marley

Set wide the window.  Let me drink the day.  ~ Edith Wharton

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.  ~ Hellen Keller

The future depends on what you do today.  ~ Mahatma Ghandi

Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.  We have only today.  Let us begin.  ~ Mother Teresa

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.  ~ Coco Chanel

Live as if you were to die tomorrow, Learn as if you were to live forever.  ~ Mahatma Ghandi

Dream as if you will live forever; live as if you will die today.  ~ James Dean

So, you may be wondering what this post is all about, then, right?  Well, I have a kid that lives everyday as if it’s his last (yes, it’s Miles), and quite honestly, I feel bad for him.  You see, everyday I drop him off at Kindergarten and as I drive off he hurriedly walks up the sidewalk waving fiercely and blowing me as many kisses as he possibly can, while trying not to fall because he’s not watching where he’s going, since he’s watching so closely where I’m going, and he has this look of dismay.  It’s like he’s saying Goodbye for the LAST time, E.V.E.R.Y. D.A.Y.

Now might be a good time to expand on the subject of him being public-schooled and my two older girls being home-schooled.  We homeschool our girls and we were going to have Miles home this year too, but he decided he wanted to go to school, so we let him.  Day 1: He came home to exclaim, “I had a great day, and my teacher is EXPLOSIVELY AWESOME!!!”  Day 2, yes you read that right . . . Day 2:  He decided he didn’t want to go to school, in fact, he claimed to hate school.  So, EVERY morning since Day 1 has been a talk about why he’s not staying home today . . . see the dilemma?  Now, you get my life.  And, I digress.

The point is, this morning as I was driving away, I had this mini-epiphany, that Miles is actually living everyday as if it were his last day.  So, when he’s looking at me like “This might be the last time we ever see each other again,”  – perhaps, he’s actually feeling that way.  Which, really makes me sad for him to have to live everyday like that.

It occurred to me that he is like this all of the time.  He rarely ever wants to play alone, and is most happy when the whole family is together in one room.  It’s not enough that one parent be with him.  If one of us has to leave to go to some activity, most of the time it saddens him.  He is always saying, “I just want to spend time with you guys!”  Even if we were out all day playing at the park, etc, he still wants to be with us together in one room when we get home to spend more time together.

“That’s so sweet!”  I hear some of you saying.  Let me assure you, you’re right and wrong at the same time.  He is truly THE sweetest boy in the world, and when he’s with you, you feel like the most important person in the world.  But, this way he’s living, like everyday is his last, is not so sweet!  Now, I know you might be thinking, “C’Mon, that’s the best way to live!”  But, it’s hard for him.

For starters, the mantra “Live Everyday Like it’s Your Last,” is incredibly impractical.  I mean, really, let’s be serious here . . . Who would go to school, work, or the gym if it was truly their last day?  Nobody.

If it was my last day, I would want to curl up on the couch with my family and read a book together, or walk along the beach together, or just lay in the grass and see what we could see in the clouds together.  It would be simple, and devoid of anything that I consider tedious (like cleaning the house) or mundane, you know, the things we have to do everyday to make life work.

The point of the saying, I guess, is really to just get people out of their routines and motivate them to do something: BIG.  Whatever that means to them.  And, that is a good thing I believe.  But, just humor me a minute and take some time to imagine a world where you wake up to find everyone is living this day, like it was their last.  Honestly, one day like this might not be so bad.  But, that’s not what these words to live by are encouraging us to do.  They are saying to: live EVERYDAY like this.

If EVERYONE did this, imagine the chaos.  I’m sure Half of the population would starve just waiting for this day to be their last- everyday, only to find out, Nope, not today.   I say about half, because that’s probably the amount of stupid people we have in the world.  Because, you know there would be those people who would be like that.

Enter:  One of my favorite Memes of all time . . .

Yes, I actually did just add in those last few lines just so I could add this meme to a post.  Done.  See, I’m seizing the day!

Anyway, I think living this way would ultimately be miserable.  Especially, when you wake up everyday realizing, “Ok, we have another day here, and I’ve already exhausted the amount of things I would want to do on my last peaceful day on Earth (twiddles thumbs) . . . now, what?”   Which is why, I guess, not so many people actually live their lives EVERYDAY like it’s their last.  And, I don’t condemn them for it.  I think the phrase would be better stated, if not a little wordier, to say:

Live Extraordinarily, Live SOME DAYS like they’re your last, because You Don’t Want to Starve to Death, or Run Out of Last Day Things to Do.

Definitely, a much more practical way of living, while also feeding the idealist side as well.  Real life. that’s how we do . . . But, how sad for my son who lives everyday like it’s his last.  Oh well, he will figure it out one day, he’s only 5 after all.

**Peace Out Y’all**

           ~ Julie 

. . . hygiene?! Bah!! . . .

Chats with Miles

*Author’s Note:  “Chats with Miles” is a series of posts I’m sharing, in order to capture the funny and interesting things Miles and my girls have said over the past couple of years (which I had originally recorded as Facebook posts, mostly), into this neat little nook for them to be able to look back on.

 

Have you ever wondered if your child knew the significance of good hygiene?  Have you ever thought that maybe their habits and ability to remain clean could be improved?  I mean, despite constantly telling them to wash their hands, brush their teeth, and make sure their hair gets clean (or at least wet) in their baths, do you ever actually feel confident that your child is able to get themselves clean without your supervision and/or help?

Well, I’m here to tell you, you’re NOT ALONE!!  I think I speak for most of us (well, most of us slacker parents, anyway), when I say that we are actually HAPPY when one of the following gets done:

 

• My child uses actual soap to wash their hands.

• My child brushes their teeth for longer than 4 seconds.

• My child opts to take a bath without being prompted.

 

You see, when these things happen in my home, I am genuinely pleased!  It wasn’t always so though . . . I used to have much higher standards.  I used to think that my children’s hygiene should mirror my own . . . why I wanted to delude myself into thinking that I could have myself and three children all impeccably clean at any one point in this life together, I don’t know, but I used to think it was possible.  And it was during one of these days of naivety that the following conversation ensued.

This is taken from February 25, 2013 . . .

Me: (to one of my girls)  Go get in the bath.

*Girl Child:  Why??

Me:  Because you missed it yesterday . . .

*Girl Child:  (sighs)  Mom, I’m not a princess . . . I don’t have to take a bath  E V E R Y D A Y !!

(*note: some names have been changed in the account above to protect the identities of those involved.)

 

It was around this time that I realized something had to change, or I was going to go bloody mad!  So, it was then that my standards started to decline.  Since, I had wrongfully believed my children should not only be clean everyday, but also want to be clean, it is somewhat understandable why I was dismayed to find that one of my children thought bathing everyday should be relegated to the super elite . . . Royalty, even.

This was a SHOCKING revelation that I never knew I had coming.

So, I had to throw the baby out with the bathwater, when it came to my prudish views of hygiene (ya know, just bathing . . . or at least getting wet and sitting in a tepid bath for 20 minutes . . . daily).  Those days are gone, and I have regained my sanity.

Nowadays, I’m much more realistic in my expectations.  Proper Baths are only necessary in a very few select situations, which I have outlined below:

• Prior to church (at least twice per month…every Sunday would just be too much to ask).

• Definitely before attending any Major Holiday Get Together.

• Before taking family pictures.

• After playing in the mud.

Other than these, I’m pretty lenient when it comes to their hygiene.  Now, this method is not for everyone.  This method has admittedly left my children without as many hugs and affection at the end of the day.  I have a stronger than average sense of smell, after all, and I can’t be expected to drop my standards in every situation.  So, if my kids want hugs and kisses, they know they have to be at least somewhat clean.

Neither will I hold their hands in public after the use of public restrooms, even at the risk of them running into the street, because I will not be tainted by their un-hygienic ways.  I just can’t do it.  So, you see it is possible to lower your expectations and still maintain a formidable sense of hygiene yourself, as a respectable member of society, by simply distancing yourself from those individuals you have spawned whose hygienic behaviors are mostly primitive, at best.

Ok, Fine . . . Not everything in this post is entirely true.

 

But, I will be leaving you to guess which parts are true and which are not . . . that keeps the fun going.  I will say, though, that I do in fact hug and kiss my children regardless of how thick a layer of dirt is on their faces, so they don’t really go wanting for affection . . .  I DO  love them more than being clean.  I have to remind myself of that often, not so often now that they are getting older, but a WHOLE LOT when they were little . . . LOL!

Anyway, if you have some little ones that are not as interested in being hygienic, not to fear . . . they will grow out of it (or so, I hope).  In the meantime, we get to practice our level of tolerance.

 

*Peace Out Y’all*

~ Julie ~

. . . l e f t o v e r s . . .

Afraid to love, something that could break.

Could I move on if you were torn away?

And I’m so close to what I can’t control.

I can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole.

~Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real

I heard this song the other day.  I’ve heard it many times before, but hearing it again, it just resonated with me.  Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real wrote this song, All of Me, in honor of his son who was born with a heart defect.  You can hear the whole story by clicking here.

Essentially though, it’s a declaration that no matter how painful this road was going to be, even if it ended in his son’s death, that he wasn’t going to check out, that he wasn’t going to be numb.  That his son was going to get “all of him.”   It’s truly a beautiful picture of what love can really be.

 

You’re gonna have all of me

You’re gonna have all of me

‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear

You’re worth facing any fear.

 Writing my story down, and sharing about my miscarriage, was something that I feared at first.  If you didn’t get a chance to read it, you can find it here: Why me? Why NOT me?.  I feared the unknown.  I feared that sharing my story would make the loss more permanent, if that makes any sense.

But, sharing it brought freedom.  It also opened the door to communication with others who have gone through similar or worse situations.   I got to hear from other women, and it gave them the opportunity to talk about their loss.

Through talking to my friends and reading accounts online, I kept hearing this recurring theme.  Leftovers.  You see, oftentimes, when a women has a miscarriage she still has a lot to deal with.  Some even have to go through with a procedure known as a D & C, or dilation and curettage.  This process is to  ensure there is nothing “left over” in the uterus, which could later cause infection.  This procedure is closure for some, but extremely difficult for others.

**As a side note**. . . A lot of women struggle to make the decision to get a D & C, and with good reason.  This procedure is often necessary, but many times doctors recommend this course of action just out of procedure.  In other words, when it’s not necessary or even too early to be sure.  All of this to say, I would like to link another website that I found helpful and encouraging when I was researching miscarriages.  I am adding it here, not to give false hope to those going through miscarriages, but to share potentially valuable information for someone who may be going through this right now.  The website is called Misdiagnosed Miscarriage. **

Anyway, this idea of Leftovers, has dominated my thoughts these past few weeks.  It’s because I believe I carry the leftovers of my failed pregnancy in my heart.

By all standards of measure, I would say that I have made a full recovery.  I’m not depressed, I’m no longer angry, and I have renewed purpose and hope.  But, of course, I’ve not forgotten – Nor, will I ever.

And hearing the words of that song, brought me back to the place of remembering.  Of remembering myself making the choice to feel the pain, instead of blocking it out and becoming numb to it.  Because that was a real danger for me – I could have told myself, “I was only 7 weeks along, so I didn’t really lose much,” and I could have further distanced myself from what really happened in order to protect myself from the hurt of the truth.  But, in feeling, I discovered depths of myself I didn’t even know went that deep.

You’re gonna know all my love

Even if it’s not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But, giving you all of me

Is where I’ll start

Why did I choose to feel the pain?  Because feeling the pain, let me feel the full capacity for which I could give love.  I found that Love and pain are two sides of the same coin.  For me, choosing to feel the pain and move beyond it was only possible through love.  So, the “leftovers” –  the lost memories, the dreams unfulfilled, and hopes of an eternity together now deferred – they live on in my heart.

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms

I won’t let pain keep you from my heart

I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose

For every moment I’ll share with you

In the end, I say:  Choose the Pain.  If you’re going through something similar, or if you have allowed yourself to be numbed to a certain painful experience, I encourage you to face that valley . . . KNOWING it could break you – But, also knowing it’s only from true brokenness that we experience peace and healing and wholeness again.

Heaven brought you to this moment, it’s too wonderful to speak

You’re worth all of me, You’re worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed

You’re worth all of me, You’re worth all of me

Afraid to love something that could break . . . So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed.

Here’s some encouragement:  If you’re able to bleed – It means, you’re ALIVE! 

If you shut yourself off from the pain, from facing fear, and grief . . . you shut yourself off from the possibility of being injured again – you can’t bleed.  Good, right??  WRONG.  If you can’t bleed – you may as well be a zombie – or dead – because, you’re definitely NOT alive.

Choose LIFE . . . And, ALL of its hurts, messiness, and disappointments – along with the joys, LOVE, and fullness – Because that’s what life is . . . a collection of experiences, not just one, but a true collection.

If you found this post today, feeling lost, desperate, or just plain numb, please let me pray this over you:

Dear Father,

You know this reader well, and You may have even sent them here just to speak to their heart on their journey to healing.  I just pray that you guide them through the pain and that they know You are with them through the darkest of times.  I ask that you free them from whatever may be holding them captive, and that they are open to love and feeling things in their entirety again.  

Let your peace cover them.  Amen.

Bottom Line:

Don’t be afraid to Feel . . . Even pain can usher us to a place where we can love.

**Peace Out Y’all**

~ Julie

. . . turning a corner and taking the LSAT . . .

The last three weeks have been a blur for me.

 

Three Months ago, before I had any idea that I was soon to become pregnant, and no sooner lose my precious Adelaide Grace, I was “secretly” studying to take the LSAT (Law School Admission Test).

What was so secret about it?  Well, I actually dreaded all of the conversations that would surely ensue once my friends and family knew I was considering going back to school, and specifically that I wanted to go back for Law, not for Med School.  You see, I have been planning on going to Med School since I was 12 years old.  Yes, I was a serious Type A, Driven personality . . . I’m somewhat “reformed” now.  Anyway, I really didn’t want to answer questions like:

Oh, you want to be a lawyer?  What are you going to do about schooling your children? (We currently homeschool).  Where do you want to go to school?  What type of law do you want to practice/are interested in?  And the especially dreaded: I thought you wanted to go to Med School??

These are questions and conversations that I not only dreaded, but actually feared.  I had no good/ calculated responses to give people for these questions.  The truth is, that I only wanted to take the LSAT to see where I would fall on the spectrum.  I wanted to confirm what I knew in my heart was the next step of the journey for me.

Ever since I was a little girl, I was told I would make an excellent attorney.  Having family (namely, my mom and a couple of aunts) that have worked in the law profession my whole life, I took this to heart.  However, I decided very early on that I wanted to help people in meaningful ways and I definitely wanted do mission work in other countries, so becoming a doctor fit that bill much more precisely, I thought.  After all, who ever heard of a lawyer actually “helping” someone? 😉  Plus, I thought it would be super easy for me to get into Law School, and I thought Med School would be a better challenge; obviously I NEVER struggled with Pride . . . LOL.

Well, a few years ago, before my youngest Miles was born, I reconsidered going to Law School.  I couldn’t get past the personal statement though.  There was no desire to go, just a thought that it would be easier than the path I was heading down – straight for Med School.  So, I dropped the idea.

And actually, there was a pretty life-altering event which happened later that year, that made me realize I wanted to take a break from school altogether.  When I was 19 weeks pregnant, my family and I were in a horrible car accident with a drunk driver that almost caused me to lose my unborn baby ,and which resulted in my youngest at the time, having to get internal and external stitches right through her upper right eyebrow.  She was unconscious and bleeding profusely from the head right after being hit.  It was a nightmare.  I will have to share that story and the miraculous things that happened another time, just suffice it to say, I had a wake up call.  I wanted to stay home with my kids and spend as much time with them as possible.

I finished out one of my undergrad degrees (Spanish), and got a minor in the other degree I was working toward (Biology).  Then, I came home to be Full-Time Mommy and Homeschool Mom.  It has been an incredible journey!  So, why upset the flow you may  wonder?  Well, when I decided to put my Med School aspirations on Hold, God Opened my eyes to another interest:  Activism.

Because, I wanted to finish my undergrad faster, I decided to pursue an Honor’s degree in Spanish, instead of my original dual-degree plan.  To get the Honors distinction, I had to write a Thesis.  That was an incredibly stretching period of my life.  I did my research on Human Trafficking of Children in South America, specifically focused on Sex-Trafficking.

It was one of the most difficult things I had ever done.  Perhaps, I will upload a copy of my Thesis on here one day, it was entitled:  Children:  The Modern Commodity.  I knew then, that I would one day pursue a Law Degree to be able to help those that couldn’t help themselves in the Legal System.  I read so many accounts of girls being lost to the system or worse, being persecuted for their “crimes,” when in fact they were being forced into this life of sex-slavery.  I had finally found a reason to pursue the law degree that I thought was useless in really making a difference.

I’m sorry this post seems to be going in all directions.  Each paragraph I write, I feel could merit its own post, in a way.

But, today I am writing out of pure therapeutic necessity, so please bear with me.

What has changed?  Do I suddenly no longer want to spend as much time with my kids as possible?  No, that’s not the case.  As time has gone on, I just have felt this nagging sensation in the back of my mind, asking me: “When are we going back to school?”

I don’t really know.  Maybe now, maybe later.  I just wanted to see where I fell on the spectrum, really.  I was fairly positive this was the direction I was “supposed” to be heading in.  Then, I got pregnant.

I started obsessing over “trying to find the good in it,” by reading tons of pregnancy articles, “How-To surprise family with the news” posts, and more that genuinely got me beyond Excited for the new addition to come along, even if it meant putting my plans on hold for a time.  I was relieved in a way, that I wouldn’t have to think or pray about what was going to happen next anymore.  Boy, was I in for a surprise.  I spent those 7 weeks of pregnancy preparing for my life to change in a great way, and completely put studying on hold.

Then, when I lost the baby, I spent weeks mourning.  In the end, I had about 2 weeks left to study for the test I had registered for, which often requires 3 months of study to pass with acceptable (Scholarship-wielding) scores.  I would not take a minute of it back though.

Even if I knew from day one of finding out that I was pregnant, that the pregnancy wasn’t going to be “viable” in the end, I still would have reveled in every moment.  I got to experience a new life, if even for such a short time.  Each day I had with Adelaide, was a day I had hope for a future with four healthy children running and playing together.  Each day was a new day to dream about what it would look like to be a mom again, and the challenges and joys I would expect along the way.

So, needless to say, I was a little confused about what to do next.  Even though we weren’t planning on having another baby at the time, the love and loss we experienced with Adelaide was enough to open our minds and our hearts to the idea of having another baby.  We still have time to think and pray about this, and that in itself is an exciting prospect.  In the meantime though, we decided I would take my test anyway.

When I threw myself back into studying, I thought of my sweet Adelaide looking down on me from Heaven.  Watching me pick up the pieces of my heart that were scattered from here to there.  Watching me NOT give up.  Watching me Move on and Remember in a good way, not in a despotic kind of way.  I just imagine her looking down and being happy that I didn’t let her passing on to greener pastures, ruin me completely.

So, all of this to say I took the test June 9th.  And, it was HARD.  Of course, it was nothing to losing an unborn child.  But, I went into the test with only 2 weeks of study under my belt, and a lot of prayers that I would do my best.

I felt great, even though many people have written on forums since then about how difficult this past test was and how basically, it was unlike any other test in a lot of regards.  I started to doubt myself then, that maybe I felt a false sense of accomplishment on test day?  That’s when the neurosis of wanting to know how well I did immediately, knowing it would be 3 weeks before finding out, kicked in.  Initially, I went into the test thinking: “Yeah, I’m gonna take the test and then just chill for three weeks.  That’s really not that long to have to wait.”  That night, I was like: “Hmmm, I wonder if they posted the scores yet??” LOL 🙂

Well, I get my score back this week.  Anytime from today until Thursday.  The test that for many, is the determining factor in what they will do with the rest of their lives.  It’s been a lot, but definitely not the determining factor for me.  For me, I know that regardless of how well I did or didn’t do, I will wait on the Lord to guide my steps.

You never know what is around the corner, and I want to be turning the corner I was meant to turn at the appointed time I am to turn it.

Here’s to hoping I actually did do well, though . . .  lol!  But, to answer the question:  What do you want to do with your life?  My answer remains:  We shall see!! 

 

*Peace Out Y’all*

~ Julie ~

“Beautiful things don’t ask for attention” ~ James Thurber

. . . a thought on humility . . .

What an inspiring message and reminder. The other night, we watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty as a family, and I was really impressed!  Apparently, it was adapted from a short story in 1939, by James Thurber, and there was also a movie made in 1947, starring Danny Kaye.  I haven’t read the short story or seen the original film, but I’m definitely going to now after seeing the modern rendition starring Ben Stiller. Well, the line quoted was spoken at a pivotal moment in the film, and really pushed me to think more about this idea of beauty within.  If you haven’t seen the movie already, I will give you a little snapshot of the scene (*spoiler*, I guess):

Walter Mitty, played by Ben Stiller is finally face to face with the famed photographer Sean O’Connell, played by Sean Penn, whom he has been seeking the entire movie.  Sean O’Connell is awaiting the opportunity to catch a Snow Leopard on film.  He explains to Walter that the Snow Leopard is often called, “The Ghost Cat,” because it is so elusive.  

Finally a Snow Leopard comes into view, and instead of immediately taking the shot, Sean O’Connell sits there just marveling at the creature.  At the stunned look on Walter Mitty’s face, he says that when confronted with beauty, he purposes to enjoy just “being” in the moment, unobstructed by the lens of the camera.  

That’s when he says that line, I just can’t shake:

They don’t ask for attention, period.

Is it because they are so confident in their own being that they don’t need the attention?  Here Sean O’Connell was in this distant country seeking out that which was beautiful, yet not immediately obvious.  In other words, to see the beauty, he had to plan a trip, be patient, and he had to wait for it to appear.  There was no appointment. Now, translate this thought over into the human world, and one can see interesting parallels.

Have you ever met a person so Beautiful that you just have to wonder at them?  They make you wonder why the world hasn’t shined its light upon them to highlight them among the mundane.  What’s more, is this person is perfectly content with being “unnoticed.”  I have been privileged to know a few people like this in my life.  Their humility is astounding and quite inspiring. It’s like being around them, puts you in this surreal state of mind – – that you are in the presence of greatness – – and they would never consider themselves in this light. I guess it always confounds me, because I have tended toward the other end of the spectrum – pride.  

You know, sometimes when I’m blogging or writing a paper, I think, “Yeah, I could so be on The New York Times Best Seller list one day . . .” or when I’m in the shower singing, I think, “I could ROCK American Idol!” (Oh, the shame and embarrassment that would follow my family, if I pursued that one, LOL) . . . I have even imagined myself making it BIG with my Homemade Organic Body Care  products on a show like Shark Tank.  I’m just AWESOME like that!!

Wait . . . hold on . . . I just got a call . . . it was: REALITY.   Oh, Man!!!

Ok, so I’m not always thinking thoughts like that; I’m getting better over time, lol!   I’m not saying you shouldn’t have dreams to work toward . . . if you actually have talent 😉  I’m also not saying you shouldn’t be proud of yourself or your accomplishments.  But, I am saying that pride can get in the way of things sometimes, like the beauty in said “things.” What we see in this  quote is that the truly beautiful, seek not fame or notoriety.  They are content.  They’re content in their lives and in the ways they’re making a difference in the world.  Sometimes, despite their humility, fame reaches them.

Of course, the first person who comes to my mind is Mother Teresa.  She wasn’t seeking attention- her love and actions flowed from deeply within her, and people saw her BEAUTY, and people sought her out.  In essence, BEAUTY attracts attention – and TRUE beauty doesn’t seek it out.  True Beauty doesn’t stay hidden forever, though.  Like the Snow Leopard, Mother Teresa (along with many other beautiful souls) was found out, and people flocked to her.  People want to be around Beauty. Coincidentally, or not (I don’t really believe in coincidences),  the very next morning after seeing the movie, I was reading, and came across this verse in Isaiah:

Isaiah 53:2b (HCSB)

. . . He didn’t have an impressive form or majesty that we should look at Him, no appearance that we should desire Him.

Isaiah 53, is absolutely one of my favorite chapters in the Old Testament.  The reason is because it is the clearest prophetic picture of the coming Christ I have ever seen.  It is said to have been written between 701 and 681 B.C.  So, it was written roughly 700 years before Christ was born, and predicts his coming, death, and saving grace with a vivid picture.

That’s why I love Isaiah 53! Anyway, this verse: Isaiah 53:2 is just another testament (perhaps the original testament) or proof, of the fact, or idea that beautiful things don’t seek attention. We are told Christ came as but a humble servant to His people.  He came in humility.  His birth, His position, and even in His appearance.  He wasn’t seeking attention.  He was truly beautiful.  The attention came to Him . . . sought Him out.  By outward appearance, He was average.  But, inwardly, He was anything but.

Beautiful things don’t ask for attention.

An inspiring reminder for sure.  And a thought I will continue to reflect upon.

Versos en Español: Isaías 53:2 (NBLH), Isaías 53 (NBLH)

. . . anywhere doors: wait, they make those?! . . .

Recently, the question was posed:

Your local electronics store has just started selling Time Machines, Anywhere Doors, and Invisibility Helmets. You can only afford one. Which of these do you buy, and why?

I have 3 Choices, then:

1.  The  Time Machine: that nifty machine which takes a person forward or backward in time.

2. The Anywhere Door: the intrinsically magical door, in which a person is allowed to go ANYWHERE of their choice, upon entering.

3.  The Invisibility Helmet:  the hat, which makes a person invisible to all others.

Wait, that was a meme of an invisible helmet, not a helmet which makes one invisible . . . big difference.  Here we go:

Yeah, the Helm of Hades, a much more legit, invisibility helmet, I must say.

 

So, barring the idea of trying to trick the system (Like this person did), by going back in time and/or using invisibility to gain access to all three devices, I would choose #2 in a heartbeat.  Yes, in. one. single. heartbeat.

A.N.Y.W.H.E.R.E

No plane tickets, no passports, no subway pass needed.

This is the stuff of my dreams!   To be able to go from one locale to the next without the financial burden of said travel.  My dream is to see the World!  Why does this desire trump that of changing past mistakes, visiting a more advanced society, or even going anywhere via invisibility?

Simply because, I believe in living in the NOW.  (Besides, I have a vague and rational fear of the “Butterfly Effect,” so time travel is definitely OUT!)  Why not use invisibility to my advantage and to further my sinister plans to rob a bank or take over the world?  Because, being invisible is very isolating, and I don’t think that’s the answer (not to mention, that I might just use it to hide from my problems, instead of face them).  Nope, not going to be invisible, even for a moment.

I want to be PRESENT in the HERE and NOW.  Although, I must admit that if my Here and Now, could be ANYWHERE at this present moment, I would be relaxing in one of those Over Water Bungalows in Bora Bora with my family:

The Beauty of the ANYWHERE Door is that you can walk through it with ANYONE . . . so long as you’re all holding hands of course.  Time Machines, on the other hand, have historically been problematic, and tend to malfunction at an alarming rate.  The Invisibility Helmet almost invariably leaves one naked in the most inconvenient settings.  That’s something I generally try to avoid.

My Anywhere Door is perfect though, and completely reusable!  No mishaps or malfunctions to date.  The only drawback is forgetting sunscreen on your way to the beach, which can be quickly remedied.  Oh, one more actual drawback, is having to lug this big door around . . . what a drag!

Thankfully though, my magnificent benefactor got me this really incredible EVERYTHING BAG last year for Christmas.  It literally holds everything AND a bag of chips, at about the weight of a bag of chips.  How?  Something about Crazy science, and Mary Poppins working together, ya know?

Anyway, back to my fabulous door . . .

Where would you go with my door today?  Or, would you pick another choice, and why?  (Be prepared, I may argue my point further with you . . .  just kidding!  But, seriously . . . be prepared! 😉 )

*Author’s note:  This post is in response to the PostADay Challenge.  Check it out!

. . . Why me? Why NOT me? . . .

I dedicate this post to: Adelaide Grace

 

I haven’t blogged in a while.

Life just seems to throw us curveballs sometimes.  These times, often make interacting with others more difficult than at other times . . . happier times.  I have been on the proverbial “Emotional Roller Coaster” the past few weeks, and despite my initial inclination to keep this a private matter, I’ve decided to share it.  My hope is that sharing my experience may bring Hope, Healing, and Freedom to not only me, but perhaps a few others as well.  That’s what we writers do though, we write.  We tell the stories on our hearts, and share the experiences that maybe others can’t quite put into words.

The stark reality is that I have recently suffered the most painful experience of my life:  a miscarriage.

And, it’s true what they say; that you can’t fully understand the pain of a miscarriage, unless you have gone through one yourself.  At least that has been my experience.  It’s a pain I am ill equipped to describe, or put into words.  I just never knew losing something, someone, I should say, so soon (a mere 7 weeks, in my case), especially before ever really getting to know them could be so heart wrenching.  But it was . . . it is.

When I found out on April Fool’s that I was pregnant, I immediately thought, “You’re funny God!”  “Why me??”  How am I going to manage with 4 children, plus do all of the other things I have felt called to do??  I sent the picture of the positive tests, yes both of them (verification was needed),  to my husband, whose immediate response was to call me, and ask: “What does that mean?”  I laughed, and said I thought it was pretty self explanatory, especially since I sent him a picture of the box with directions on how to read the results.  Needless to say, we weren’t “trying to conceive.”  It just happened.  A surprise.

I LOVE surprises!  But, at first, this surprise took me a second to get excited about.  We already have 3 beautiful children, and we just weren’t expecting to expand our family at this time.  I’m actually in the process of preparing for a big test I’m taking in early June, the LSAT.  So, I was just confused about the timing is all.  But, with the knowledge that God thought we could handle it, we were ready to put everything on hold again, and accept this new treasure into our family and into our hearts.

We hadn’t told many people we were expecting, still many people don’t know.  We wanted to wait out the “danger zone,” of the first trimester before saying anything.   But, I NEVER considered the “danger zone” would ever affect me.  I have had 3 textbook pregnancies, and 3 better than textbook deliveries, all natural (no epidurals ever).  What did I need to worry about??

In all honesty, I have even felt a little guilty at times, at the ease of which our family has been able to conceive, especially since our first child was a “teenage pregnancy,” while others I have known have struggled.  Conversely, after miscarrying, I felt a slight pang of jealousy scrolling down my Facebook news feed seeing all of the newborn babies and friends of mine getting ready to have their babies.  And I thought, “Why Not me?”

But, really and truly this is a silly mindset of mine, and yes, I will say it: of those who ask the question: “Why do seemingly ‘undeserving/unfit’ parents end up with children, while I (who would be the MOST Loving and Responsible parent) am left without a child?”  Perhaps you disagree, but I think both questions are unfair.

I certainly feel for those women out there – but the problem comes with comparing our lives with that of another’s life.  We simply cannot compare ourselves/our lives or life stories to anyone else’s.  My pain may not be your pain today, and your pain may not be mine, but we each suffer pain nonetheless.  Sometimes in ways that can be unbearable to us, that perhaps we think nobody else can understand.

On the flip side, we each experience beauty and indescribable JOY in different ways too.  God gives us the Joy in the Morning to cast out the fear, loss, and shadows of the darkness.

So, while we may not understand the “why?” when we experience pain – we can still trust God to be our all in all.  We can even help ourselves a little, by not comparing our sorrows with other people’s joys.  It’s unfair to them, but it’s MORE unfair to you.

Before I knew for sure that I was going to miscarry, God led me to this passage in Isaiah:

Isaiah 40:29-31 (HCSB)

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Yahweh is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the whole earth.
He never grows faint or weary;
there is no limit to His understanding.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and strengthens the powerless.
30 Youths may faint and grow weary,
and young men stumble and fall,
31 but those who trust in the Lord
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint.

This became my prayer, that my trust in God would sustain me through whatever outcome or situation that would come.  Right then, I said to myself, “He is my strength and my refuge, and I know I will not faint with Him as my guide.”

It’s true, I didn’t faint.  But, it damn near killed me inside.  I was literally a walking zombie for a few days, and weeks went by where I would just curl up and cry at night after my husband was home and taking care of the kids.  I cried so hard that it literally hurt my chest, and I thought I would choke or hyperventilate.  Because we hadn’t told many people, it was hard for me even still, because nobody knew what I was going through on the inside.

You see, having a child die inside of you, I have found, is no less real than having one die outside of you.  Except perhaps for others, since they didn’t get to know that child or even see them or even know they existed before finding out that they passed, as in my situation.

It seems that in the case of miscarriage, the mom often walks the road of sadness and mourning alone.  Having good supportive friends and family truly helps beyond imagination.  But, really it is the mother (and father too, I guess) that feels the loss most completely, since no one else had the chance to get to know the little person.

Some people may say, “Well, you can always try again…“and while this is very true, and also comforting to a degree, it is also downplaying the fact that there was a real person who was lost to that family.   It was also something harder to hear for someone like me, who wasn’t “trying” to begin with.

Anyway, I was really an emotional wreck for weeks, but then the sun started to come up.  I feel a lot more like myself now.  It’s not that I’ve gotten over Adelaide, that’s what we named her:  Adelaide Grace.  But, I have moved past the self-pity and even denial of it all.  I’m not sad anymore.   As the realization that I have a baby who gets to grow up in Heaven, and be with my grandparents, sinks in, I can smile at that.  It is sad, but also completely out of my control.  So, wallowing in self-pity and sadness would do no good for anyone.

So, here I am.

Living, enjoying life beyond my loss.  I will always remember her, and I will be happy to finally meet her in Heaven someday.  For now though, I have a little angel looking down on me watching, wanting to know what I will do in the meantime.

Please listen to this song if you get a chance, it has really ministered to me, and I pray it does for you too:

 

Versos en Espanol: Isaias 40:29-31 (NBLH)