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. . . l e f t o v e r s . . .

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Afraid to love, something that could break.

Could I move on if you were torn away?

And I’m so close to what I can’t control.

I can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole.

~Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real

I heard this song the other day.  I’ve heard it many times before, but hearing it again, it just resonated with me.  Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real wrote this song, All of Me, in honor of his son who was born with a heart defect.  You can hear the whole story by clicking here.

Essentially though, it’s a declaration that no matter how painful this road was going to be, even if it ended in his son’s death, that he wasn’t going to check out, that he wasn’t going to be numb.  That his son was going to get “all of him.”   It’s truly a beautiful picture of what love can really be.

 

You’re gonna have all of me

You’re gonna have all of me

‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear

You’re worth facing any fear.

https://nicoletheragamuffin.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/fear1.jpg Writing my story down, and sharing about my miscarriage, was something that I feared at first.  If you didn’t get a chance to read it, you can find it here: Why me? Why NOT me?.  I feared the unknown.  I feared that sharing my story would make the loss more permanent, if that makes any sense.

But, sharing it brought freedom.  It also opened the door to communication with others who have gone through similar or worse situations.   I got to hear from other women, and it gave them the opportunity to talk about their loss.

Through talking to my friends and reading accounts online, I kept hearing this recurring theme.  Leftovers.  You see, oftentimes, when a women has a miscarriage she still has a lot to deal with.  Some even have to go through with a procedure known as a D & C, or dilation and curettage.  This process is to  ensure there is nothing “left over” in the uterus, which could later cause infection.  This procedure is closure for some, but extremely difficult for others.

**As a side note**. . . A lot of women struggle to make the decision to get a D & C, and with good reason.  This procedure is often necessary, but many times doctors recommend this course of action just out of procedure.  In other words, when it’s not necessary or even too early to be sure.  All of this to say, I would like to link another website that I found helpful and encouraging when I was researching miscarriages.  I am adding it here, not to give false hope to those going through miscarriages, but to share potentially valuable information for someone who may be going through this right now.  The website is called Misdiagnosed Miscarriage. **

Anyway, this idea of Leftovers, has dominated my thoughts these past few weeks.  It’s because I believe I carry the leftovers of my failed pregnancy in my heart.

By all standards of measure, I would say that I have made a full recovery.  I’m not depressed, I’m no longer angry, and I have renewed purpose and hope.  But, of course, I’ve not forgotten – Nor, will I ever.

And hearing the words of that song, brought me back to the place of remembering.  Of remembering myself making the choice to feel the pain, instead of blocking it out and becoming numb to it.  Because that was a real danger for me – I could have told myself, “I was only 7 weeks along, so I didn’t really lose much,” and I could have further distanced myself from what really happened in order to protect myself from the hurt of the truth.  But, in feeling, I discovered depths of myself I didn’t even know went that deep.

You’re gonna know all my love

Even if it’s not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But, giving you all of me

Is where I’ll start

Why did I choose to feel the pain?  Because feeling the pain, let me feel the full capacity for which I could give love.  I found that Love and pain are two sides of the same coin.  For me, choosing to feel the pain and move beyond it was only possible through love.  So, the “leftovers” –  the lost memories, the dreams unfulfilled, and hopes of an eternity together now deferred – they live on in my heart.

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I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms

I won’t let pain keep you from my heart

I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose

For every moment I’ll share with you

In the end, I say:  Choose the Pain.  If you’re going through something similar, or if you have allowed yourself to be numbed to a certain painful experience, I encourage you to face that valley . . . KNOWING it could break you – But, also knowing it’s only from true brokenness that we experience peace and healing and wholeness again.

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Heaven brought you to this moment, it’s too wonderful to speak

You’re worth all of me, You’re worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed

You’re worth all of me, You’re worth all of me

Afraid to love something that could break . . . So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed.

Here’s some encouragement:  If you’re able to bleed – It means, you’re ALIVE! 

If you shut yourself off from the pain, from facing fear, and grief . . . you shut yourself off from the possibility of being injured again – you can’t bleed.  Good, right??  WRONG.  If you can’t bleed – you may as well be a zombie – or dead – because, you’re definitely NOT alive.

Choose LIFE . . . And, ALL of its hurts, messiness, and disappointments – along with the joys, LOVE, and fullness – Because that’s what life is . . . a collection of experiences, not just one, but a true collection.

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If you found this post today, feeling lost, desperate, or just plain numb, please let me pray this over you:

Dear Father,

You know this reader well, and You may have even sent them here just to speak to their heart on their journey to healing.  I just pray that you guide them through the pain and that they know You are with them through the darkest of times.  I ask that you free them from whatever may be holding them captive, and that they are open to love and feeling things in their entirety again.  

Let your peace cover them.  Amen.

Bottom Line:

Don’t be afraid to Feel . . . Even pain can usher us to a place where we can love.

**Peace Out Y’all**

~ Julie

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