Law school is crazy, y’all.
Let me just be very real here. I’ve lost touch with life in a lot of ways. I am constantly at school, always reading cases and researching. I barely see my family, and when I do it seems so momentary- such a drastic difference from when I homeschooled my kiddos and was home with them all day long everyday- which seems like a million years ago, even though it was only a few months back.
I’m writing today, because I need to feel something. I need to feel alive again. Writing used to be that escape for me, and at the same time, it kept me grounded.
Law school writing is different. Sooooo different. It pretty much sucks the life and soul out of you, and puts all of your creativity into an untouchable box, high up on a shelf that you can’t reach.
It’s there though, you know it’s there, because you can see the corner of it just past the edge of the shelf. It’s forbidden. You’re not supposed to touch it, because if you do a monster is likely to bite your hand. But, all the while you stare up at it, wondering when you’ll get it back.
I keep trying to be positive and see the good, and look forward to the day when I’m doing what I love, but it’s hard to do sometimes.
Someone may say, “You can’t get it ALL done, so why try?” I tell them that if I don’t try to get it all done, I won’t try to get any of it done. Here’s the real question though:
If I don’t try to get it all done, how will I know that I can’t get it all done?
If I don’t try to give my all and do my all, I will give up. I can’t give up . . . not now, not when I’m so close.
The problem is, I’m exhausted. If I could just sleep for like a week, I could probably feel normal again. 😉
That’s not going to happen though.
I have to keep going . . . keep trying . . . keep working . . . keep praying . . . keep moving . . . keep getting up . . . keep showing up . . . keep on keeping on
Each day is a different battle, but each day I’m learning to adapt. The work isn’t so bad or so hard, it’s just the tedium and monotony of it all. Day after day after day.
But, you know what? It’s worth it. Every day, we grow and we learn and we change and we become who we are in each moment. I can train my body and get into great shape by eating right and working out. The work and the effort produce visible results, and it keeps you going.
Law school for me is different in that the visible effects aren’t so appealing . . . lol. The bags under my eyes have their own bags. At one point, I was actually losing hair, and let’s not get started on how many days I’ve missed at the gym!
In fact, sometimes I feel like a bumbling idiot talking about nothing at all. There are so many emotions, thoughts, and words . . . oh so many words to read each day and then later to comprehend.
This by itself shuts my speech processing down in a quick second. Shit, just processing in general. It’s like my brain is on a vacation and it’s not taking any messages. So absentminded. I’m having to multitask on a level I have never had to before, and it’s stretching me.
But, I know this process is bringing me closer to my goals. I know I’m stronger everyday I choose to keep going. And that’s all I can do . . . keep reminding myself of the things I know, even when it feels like I know very little.
I know I love my kids, I know the effort will pay off, I know I can’t give up, I know I have to press on . . .I KNOW I CAN DO IT!
And That’s all I got folks.