The last three weeks have been a blur for me.
Three Months ago, before I had any idea that I was soon to become pregnant, and no sooner lose my precious Adelaide Grace, I was “secretly” studying to take the LSAT (Law School Admission Test).
What was so secret about it? Well, I actually dreaded all of the conversations that would surely ensue once my friends and family knew I was considering going back to school, and specifically that I wanted to go back for Law, not for Med School. You see, I have been planning on going to Med School since I was 12 years old. Yes, I was a serious Type A, Driven personality . . . I’m somewhat “reformed” now. Anyway, I really didn’t want to answer questions like:
Oh, you want to be a lawyer? What are you going to do about schooling your children? (We currently homeschool). Where do you want to go to school? What type of law do you want to practice/are interested in? And the especially dreaded: I thought you wanted to go to Med School??
These are questions and conversations that I not only dreaded, but actually feared. I had no good/ calculated responses to give people for these questions. The truth is, that I only wanted to take the LSAT to see where I would fall on the spectrum. I wanted to confirm what I knew in my heart was the next step of the journey for me.
Ever since I was a little girl, I was told I would make an excellent attorney. Having family (namely, my mom and a couple of aunts) that have worked in the law profession my whole life, I took this to heart. However, I decided very early on that I wanted to help people in meaningful ways and I definitely wanted do mission work in other countries, so becoming a doctor fit that bill much more precisely, I thought. After all, who ever heard of a lawyer actually “helping” someone? 😉 Plus, I thought it would be super easy for me to get into Law School, and I thought Med School would be a better challenge; obviously I NEVER struggled with Pride . . . LOL.
Well, a few years ago, before my youngest Miles was born, I reconsidered going to Law School. I couldn’t get past the personal statement though. There was no desire to go, just a thought that it would be easier than the path I was heading down – straight for Med School. So, I dropped the idea.
And actually, there was a pretty life-altering event which happened later that year, that made me realize I wanted to take a break from school altogether. When I was 19 weeks pregnant, my family and I were in a horrible car accident with a drunk driver that almost caused me to lose my unborn baby ,and which resulted in my youngest at the time, having to get internal and external stitches right through her upper right eyebrow. She was unconscious and bleeding profusely from the head right after being hit. It was a nightmare. I will have to share that story and the miraculous things that happened another time, just suffice it to say, I had a wake up call. I wanted to stay home with my kids and spend as much time with them as possible.
I finished out one of my undergrad degrees (Spanish), and got a minor in the other degree I was working toward (Biology). Then, I came home to be Full-Time Mommy and Homeschool Mom. It has been an incredible journey! So, why upset the flow you may wonder? Well, when I decided to put my Med School aspirations on Hold, God Opened my eyes to another interest: Activism.
Because, I wanted to finish my undergrad faster, I decided to pursue an Honor’s degree in Spanish, instead of my original dual-degree plan. To get the Honors distinction, I had to write a Thesis. That was an incredibly stretching period of my life. I did my research on Human Trafficking of Children in South America, specifically focused on Sex-Trafficking.
It was one of the most difficult things I had ever done. Perhaps, I will upload a copy of my Thesis on here one day, it was entitled: Children: The Modern Commodity. I knew then, that I would one day pursue a Law Degree to be able to help those that couldn’t help themselves in the Legal System. I read so many accounts of girls being lost to the system or worse, being persecuted for their “crimes,” when in fact they were being forced into this life of sex-slavery. I had finally found a reason to pursue the law degree that I thought was useless in really making a difference.
I’m sorry this post seems to be going in all directions. Each paragraph I write, I feel could merit its own post, in a way.
But, today I am writing out of pure therapeutic necessity, so please bear with me.
What has changed? Do I suddenly no longer want to spend as much time with my kids as possible? No, that’s not the case. As time has gone on, I just have felt this nagging sensation in the back of my mind, asking me: “When are we going back to school?”
I don’t really know. Maybe now, maybe later. I just wanted to see where I fell on the spectrum, really. I was fairly positive this was the direction I was “supposed” to be heading in. Then, I got pregnant.
I started obsessing over “trying to find the good in it,” by reading tons of pregnancy articles, “How-To surprise family with the news” posts, and more that genuinely got me beyond Excited for the new addition to come along, even if it meant putting my plans on hold for a time. I was relieved in a way, that I wouldn’t have to think or pray about what was going to happen next anymore. Boy, was I in for a surprise. I spent those 7 weeks of pregnancy preparing for my life to change in a great way, and completely put studying on hold.
Then, when I lost the baby, I spent weeks mourning. In the end, I had about 2 weeks left to study for the test I had registered for, which often requires 3 months of study to pass with acceptable (Scholarship-wielding) scores. I would not take a minute of it back though.
Even if I knew from day one of finding out that I was pregnant, that the pregnancy wasn’t going to be “viable” in the end, I still would have reveled in every moment. I got to experience a new life, if even for such a short time. Each day I had with Adelaide, was a day I had hope for a future with four healthy children running and playing together. Each day was a new day to dream about what it would look like to be a mom again, and the challenges and joys I would expect along the way.
So, needless to say, I was a little confused about what to do next. Even though we weren’t planning on having another baby at the time, the love and loss we experienced with Adelaide was enough to open our minds and our hearts to the idea of having another baby. We still have time to think and pray about this, and that in itself is an exciting prospect. In the meantime though, we decided I would take my test anyway.
When I threw myself back into studying, I thought of my sweet Adelaide looking down on me from Heaven. Watching me pick up the pieces of my heart that were scattered from here to there. Watching me NOT give up. Watching me Move on and Remember in a good way, not in a despotic kind of way. I just imagine her looking down and being happy that I didn’t let her passing on to greener pastures, ruin me completely.
So, all of this to say I took the test June 9th. And, it was HARD. Of course, it was nothing to losing an unborn child. But, I went into the test with only 2 weeks of study under my belt, and a lot of prayers that I would do my best.
I felt great, even though many people have written on forums since then about how difficult this past test was and how basically, it was unlike any other test in a lot of regards. I started to doubt myself then, that maybe I felt a false sense of accomplishment on test day? That’s when the neurosis of wanting to know how well I did immediately, knowing it would be 3 weeks before finding out, kicked in. Initially, I went into the test thinking: “Yeah, I’m gonna take the test and then just chill for three weeks. That’s really not that long to have to wait.” That night, I was like: “Hmmm, I wonder if they posted the scores yet??” LOL 🙂
Well, I get my score back this week. Anytime from today until Thursday. The test that for many, is the determining factor in what they will do with the rest of their lives. It’s been a lot, but definitely not the determining factor for me. For me, I know that regardless of how well I did or didn’t do, I will wait on the Lord to guide my steps.
You never know what is around the corner, and I want to be turning the corner I was meant to turn at the appointed time I am to turn it.
Here’s to hoping I actually did do well, though . . . lol! But, to answer the question: What do you want to do with your life? My answer remains: We shall see!!