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. . . i have to do something . . . this is why . . .

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Nicole Kidman’s Father Dies Amid Pedophile, Child Murder ring allegations (video included also)

Please follow the link above and read the article.  Alternatively, I will copy and paste the whole thing here below.  This is an article written by investigative journalist and author, Judy Byington.  What follows is unimaginable for the average person.  But it happens everyday all over the world, and it needs to STOP!

Here is the article in full copied below:

Dr. Antony Kidman died Friday after fleeing Australia when accused of the sexual abuse and murder of children in an elite Sydney pedophile ring. A month prior Fiona Barnett had filed a complaint with the Australian NSW police and Child Abuse Royal Commission alleging Kidman’s sexual and physical assaults on her throughout childhood. When the Commission opened an investigation the clinical psychologist suddenly left his 43 years with the Sydney University of Technology and Royal North Shore Hospital to stay in Singapore until he died. The family has refused to comment and Singapore police opened an investigation on what they termed as an unnatural death.

Yesterday Barnett released her own theory about Kidman’s death,” The main perpetrator of my child sexual abuse, Antony Kidman, is dead after I filed formal complaints accusing him of the rape, torture and murder of children in an exclusive Sydney pedophile ring. As a child victim of mind control I feel he’s been sacrificed for failing to adequately program me.”

“Kidman was responsible for ensuring that I never disclosed pedophile ring activities that I witnessed as a child,” she continued. “He failed. News of Kidman’s death impacted me, someone who has undergone intense treatment. I know that there are other victims of Kidman’s crimes out there who are perhaps not as far along the healing path as I am. I anticipate that news of Kidman’s death may have a serious impact on these victims. A perpetrator’s death can even trigger suicidal ideation.

“My complaints last month to the Australian Child Abuse Royal Commission detailed two incidents in which Kidman subjected me to horrific physical and sexual assault” Barnett said. “But there are even more serious crimes against children that I witnessed Kidman commit as a member of the elite Sydney pedophile ring. Those complaints have gone to the International Common Law Court of Justice in Brussels.”

Barnett spoke out the day of Kidman’s death – White Balloon Day 2014 – an event aimed at raising awareness for Australian children affected by sexual assault. She stated, “My contribution to White Balloon Day 2014 is to urge my fellow victims of crime to fight the filth that this monster deposited in their minds and if they can muster the strength, join me in my effort to give a voice to victims who are no longer with us.”

The ICLCJ Court has been looking into Barnett’s allegations against Kidman in relation to their investigation of the global elite Ninth Circle Satanic Child Sacrifice Cult. Over sixty eyewitnesses such as Barnett have testified of Ninth Circle child sacrifice and pedophile activities that spanned the globe, including criminal activities against children in the Americas, Netherlands and UK commonwealth countries such as Australia.

The Ninth Circle was also said to have well organized and secretive human hunting parties that included pedophilia. Privately owned forest groves were believed used in the US, Canada, France and Holland. It appeared children and teens were obtained by the criminal drug syndicate Octopus, which was believed connected to the Vatican. The kidnapped children and teens were said to be stripped naked, raped, hunted down and killed.

Since the tender age of three Barnett had been trapped inside Australia’s vast pedophile network where children were sex trafficked, hunted down for sport and murdered. “In the late afternoon of Oct. 28 1975 I was taken to my sixth birthday party in the Kiama rainforest,” Barnett said. “The cordial was spiked with drugs. I fell asleep. When I awoke it was dark and I was lying naked face-up spread-eagle on a picnic table with my hands and legs tied. Perpetrators took turns sneaking up on me. A large group of men arrived in pick up trucks. They carried rifles and had a pack of starving Doberman dogs. I was told that the group of naked children huddled nearby were my responsibility. I was to run and hide them. Every child I failed to hide would be killed and fed to the dogs. They painted something on my back and chest, and then released us. I pushed the children up over the first steep hill. It was about the second or third hill that the hunting party reached us. Shots were fired and children began dropping all around me. With all hope lost of my saving the other children, I took off and ran for my life.”

Dutch therapist Toos Nijenhuis testified at the ICLCJ Court that as a child and like Barnett, she was badly abused and forced to witness child murders that involved global elites, claimed childhood torture at Barnett’s same Australian Holsworthy Army Base and like Barnett, was a victim of Human Hunting Parties. Nijenhuis’ perpetrators included former Pope Joseph Ratzinger, Dutch Catholic Cardinal Alfrink and Bilderberger founder Prince Bernhard. Nijenhuis explained to International Tribunal into Crimes of Church and State Secretary Reverend Kevin Annett, her witness to child sacrifices as late as 2010.

The Ninth Circle Satanic Child Sacrifice Cult could easily hide crimes of their global elite members. They were well trained by Hitler’s mind control experts from Nazi Germany. Barnett’s Nazi grandfather’s pedophile network was said to include clinical psychologists Kidman and John W. Gittinger who developed a popular test among psychiatric professionals known as the Personality Assessment System. In the Independent Australia News Barnett stated that as a young child, “Gittinger abused and raped me.”

In another article of the Independent Australia News it was reported that Barnett’s dramatic testimony put members in tears when she went before the Australian Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse. Barnett had named as her perpetrators her grandfather, Kidman, two former Australian prime ministers, a Parliament House governor general and a state police commissioner. As with child pedophile rings in the Netherlands, Europe, Canada and the US, the Australian pedophile network was said to include police officers, psychiatrists, biochemists, psychologists, actors, writers, politicians, university lecturers and medical doctors.

“The Commission was in the process of investigating my complaint when Kidman was found to have left the country,” Barnett said. “Now one month following my notification against Kidman, he is dead. Kidman’s death comes as no surprise. In the past week alone, two people predicted his imminent demise.”

This article is dedicated to victims of the Vatican and mafia-run global elite Ninth Circle Satanic Child Sacrifice Cult, and to the memory of over 50,800 missing children, some of whom rest in 34 mainly Catholic-owned unmarked mass grave sites – that have been refused excavation – across Canada, Ireland and Spain. The child perpetrators continue to live lives free of responsibility for their ongoing crimes. Our prayers are with these innocents, and should be for ourselves if we allow this Child Holocaust by our global leaders to continue.

About the Author
Judy Byington, MSW, LCSW, retired, author of “Twenty Two Faces: Inside the Extraordinary Life of Jenny Hill and Her Twenty Two Multiple Personalities” ( is a retired therapist, Public Speaker, Activist and investigative journalist whose articles on international child exploitation rings have been cited on hundreds of blogs and websites. The ex-Supervisor, Alberta Mental Health and Director Provo Family Counseling Center is the CEO of Child Abuse Recovery and Speakers Bureau (

If you have news tips about child abuse issues that may connect to international child exploitation rings, please email Judy

You are invited to sign our petition to Congress for an investigation of the CIA mind control of children by clicking here:


This is just EXACTLY the kind of CRAP that goes on out in the open, “behind closed doors” everyday all over the world that has pushed me over the edge in pursuit a Law Degree.  I can’t even stand it.  This type of thing, these associations I mean, even happen here in the states.

Do some research on The Bohemian Grove set up in California to see what I mean.  More specifically, search for “Bohemian Grove Exposed.”  If that piques your interest, go to YouTube and search for Senator Nancy Schaeffer.  Not long after she started giving speeches like this one:  she turns up dead.  Read about her untimely death HERE.

These things keep getting covered up, and keep going unnoticed and unchecked.  Whistleblowers are being murdered for sharing the truth.  When will it stop?  I don’t know, but all I can think of right now is that Edmund Burke / Thomas Jefferson mixed quote: “The only thing needed for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”   



I’ve tried to talk myself out of pursing this path, in favor of staying home w my kids and blocking out this world from my vision, and keeping them “safe” under my wings of protection . . . But, I just can’t.

After learning that I had decided to go to law school, a well-meaning attorney friend of ours asked me: Why do you hate yourself?  You know law school is like counting to a million, anybody can do it, but why would you want to?

He made a very good point, and I seriously considered his stance and had to ask myself why would anyone want to do it, and especially why I would want to do it.


In fact, I will gladly count to 2 Million very slowly, if in the end, I can help even one victim of sex trafficking find hope through the legal system and additionally the hope of healing.

God has given us all a certain measure of strength to do things with, and when we use what’s “in our hands,” that being the gifts, talents, resources, and knowledge we’ve been given or have acquired, we can truly make an impact that nobody else can erase. What we are meant to do, our purpose, can’t be taken away from us.   This is what compels me.

Even though I’m not so naive as to think I can set out to change the world and conquer alone, I do know that I have to do my part, however small or big it may be.  My part is still a valuable piece to the puzzle.  We all contribute something to the history of this world after all.

When my kids grow up, I hope they can look at me, and see a woman that was willing to be broken for others and take a step of faith even when the path was obscured before her, in order to clear it for those coming up from behind her.  

What do ya’ say??  Let’s CLEAR some PATHS!!

**Peace Out Y’all**

~ Julie ~


Just as a follow up . . . some people are saying the original article could be a “hoax,” due to where it was published (on – a site which allows users to upload anything).  However, with everything I’ve shared here and read elsewhere, I know it’s not.  Not to mention the fact that the article in question has been published on other sites and the facts surrounding the case are all there and are being substantiated.

Here is another site which reviewed the original article on the hope that it was a hoax, and in the end found it to be regarding actual truth where the author found sources and source info.  I know for most this is hard to believe, and they want to believe it’s a “hoax,” which will only make the cover-up that much easier, but it’s not.…/

Furthermore, you have to ask yourself, why would the news media be going out of their way to give condolences to a “lesser known” entity.  Have we heard nearly as much about other celebrities’ parents dying?  Probably not, and for good reason- there was nothing they were trying to cover-up or flush out of the search engines database when searching for those names.

The people involved in these sorts of crimes are high up and “untouchable” and they are that way for a reason . . . because they have control or a controlling interest in things such as mainstream media, etc.  Anyway, I’m convinced people will block out what they don’t want to face, and believe a man died from a fall, even though the Singapore government is investigating the death, but I can’t close my eyes to this kind of thing anymore.

I stand by my original statement:  If you don’t see them (the victims) it’s because you’re not looking.  Let’s stop turning a blind eye to injustice.

. . . l e f t o v e r s . . .

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Afraid to love, something that could break.

Could I move on if you were torn away?

And I’m so close to what I can’t control.

I can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole.

~Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real

I heard this song the other day.  I’ve heard it many times before, but hearing it again, it just resonated with me.  Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real wrote this song, All of Me, in honor of his son who was born with a heart defect.  You can hear the whole story by clicking here.

Essentially though, it’s a declaration that no matter how painful this road was going to be, even if it ended in his son’s death, that he wasn’t going to check out, that he wasn’t going to be numb.  That his son was going to get “all of him.”   It’s truly a beautiful picture of what love can really be.


You’re gonna have all of me

You’re gonna have all of me

‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear

You’re worth facing any fear. Writing my story down, and sharing about my miscarriage, was something that I feared at first.  If you didn’t get a chance to read it, you can find it here: Why me? Why NOT me?.  I feared the unknown.  I feared that sharing my story would make the loss more permanent, if that makes any sense.

But, sharing it brought freedom.  It also opened the door to communication with others who have gone through similar or worse situations.   I got to hear from other women, and it gave them the opportunity to talk about their loss.

Through talking to my friends and reading accounts online, I kept hearing this recurring theme.  Leftovers.  You see, oftentimes, when a women has a miscarriage she still has a lot to deal with.  Some even have to go through with a procedure known as a D & C, or dilation and curettage.  This process is to  ensure there is nothing “left over” in the uterus, which could later cause infection.  This procedure is closure for some, but extremely difficult for others.

**As a side note**. . . A lot of women struggle to make the decision to get a D & C, and with good reason.  This procedure is often necessary, but many times doctors recommend this course of action just out of procedure.  In other words, when it’s not necessary or even too early to be sure.  All of this to say, I would like to link another website that I found helpful and encouraging when I was researching miscarriages.  I am adding it here, not to give false hope to those going through miscarriages, but to share potentially valuable information for someone who may be going through this right now.  The website is called Misdiagnosed Miscarriage. **

Anyway, this idea of Leftovers, has dominated my thoughts these past few weeks.  It’s because I believe I carry the leftovers of my failed pregnancy in my heart.

By all standards of measure, I would say that I have made a full recovery.  I’m not depressed, I’m no longer angry, and I have renewed purpose and hope.  But, of course, I’ve not forgotten – Nor, will I ever.

And hearing the words of that song, brought me back to the place of remembering.  Of remembering myself making the choice to feel the pain, instead of blocking it out and becoming numb to it.  Because that was a real danger for me – I could have told myself, “I was only 7 weeks along, so I didn’t really lose much,” and I could have further distanced myself from what really happened in order to protect myself from the hurt of the truth.  But, in feeling, I discovered depths of myself I didn’t even know went that deep.

You’re gonna know all my love

Even if it’s not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But, giving you all of me

Is where I’ll start

Why did I choose to feel the pain?  Because feeling the pain, let me feel the full capacity for which I could give love.  I found that Love and pain are two sides of the same coin.  For me, choosing to feel the pain and move beyond it was only possible through love.  So, the “leftovers” –  the lost memories, the dreams unfulfilled, and hopes of an eternity together now deferred – they live on in my heart.

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms

I won’t let pain keep you from my heart

I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose

For every moment I’ll share with you

In the end, I say:  Choose the Pain.  If you’re going through something similar, or if you have allowed yourself to be numbed to a certain painful experience, I encourage you to face that valley . . . KNOWING it could break you – But, also knowing it’s only from true brokenness that we experience peace and healing and wholeness again.

Heaven brought you to this moment, it’s too wonderful to speak

You’re worth all of me, You’re worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed

You’re worth all of me, You’re worth all of me

Afraid to love something that could break . . . So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed.

Here’s some encouragement:  If you’re able to bleed – It means, you’re ALIVE! 

If you shut yourself off from the pain, from facing fear, and grief . . . you shut yourself off from the possibility of being injured again – you can’t bleed.  Good, right??  WRONG.  If you can’t bleed – you may as well be a zombie – or dead – because, you’re definitely NOT alive.

Choose LIFE . . . And, ALL of its hurts, messiness, and disappointments – along with the joys, LOVE, and fullness – Because that’s what life is . . . a collection of experiences, not just one, but a true collection.

If you found this post today, feeling lost, desperate, or just plain numb, please let me pray this over you:

Dear Father,

You know this reader well, and You may have even sent them here just to speak to their heart on their journey to healing.  I just pray that you guide them through the pain and that they know You are with them through the darkest of times.  I ask that you free them from whatever may be holding them captive, and that they are open to love and feeling things in their entirety again.  

Let your peace cover them.  Amen.

Bottom Line:

Don’t be afraid to Feel . . . Even pain can usher us to a place where we can love.

**Peace Out Y’all**

~ Julie

. . . Why me? Why NOT me? . . .

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I dedicate this post to: Adelaide Grace


I haven’t blogged in a while.

Life just seems to throw us curveballs sometimes.  These times, often make interacting with others more difficult than at other times . . . happier times.  I have been on the proverbial “Emotional Roller Coaster” the past few weeks, and despite my initial inclination to keep this a private matter, I’ve decided to share it.  My hope is that sharing my experience may bring Hope, Healing, and Freedom to not only me, but perhaps a few others as well.  That’s what we writers do though, we write.  We tell the stories on our hearts, and share the experiences that maybe others can’t quite put into words.

The stark reality is that I have recently suffered the most painful experience of my life:  a miscarriage.

And, it’s true what they say; that you can’t fully understand the pain of a miscarriage, unless you have gone through one yourself.  At least that has been my experience.  It’s a pain I am ill equipped to describe, or put into words.  I just never knew losing something, someone, I should say, so soon (a mere 7 weeks, in my case), especially before ever really getting to know them could be so heart wrenching.  But it was . . . it is.

When I found out on April Fool’s that I was pregnant, I immediately thought, “You’re funny God!”  “Why me??”  How am I going to manage with 4 children, plus do all of the other things I have felt called to do??  I sent the picture of the positive tests, yes both of them (verification was needed),  to my husband, whose immediate response was to call me, and ask: “What does that mean?”  I laughed, and said I thought it was pretty self explanatory, especially since I sent him a picture of the box with directions on how to read the results.  Needless to say, we weren’t “trying to conceive.”  It just happened.  A surprise.

I LOVE surprises!  But, at first, this surprise took me a second to get excited about.  We already have 3 beautiful children, and we just weren’t expecting to expand our family at this time.  I’m actually in the process of preparing for a big test I’m taking in early June, the LSAT.  So, I was just confused about the timing is all.  But, with the knowledge that God thought we could handle it, we were ready to put everything on hold again, and accept this new treasure into our family and into our hearts.

We hadn’t told many people we were expecting, still many people don’t know.  We wanted to wait out the “danger zone,” of the first trimester before saying anything.   But, I NEVER considered the “danger zone” would ever affect me.  I have had 3 textbook pregnancies, and 3 better than textbook deliveries, all natural (no epidurals ever).  What did I need to worry about??

In all honesty, I have even felt a little guilty at times, at the ease of which our family has been able to conceive, especially since our first child was a “teenage pregnancy,” while others I have known have struggled.  Conversely, after miscarrying, I felt a slight pang of jealousy scrolling down my Facebook news feed seeing all of the newborn babies and friends of mine getting ready to have their babies.  And I thought, “Why Not me?

But, really and truly this is a silly mindset of mine, and yes, I will say it: of those who ask the question: “Why do seemingly ‘undeserving/unfit’ parents end up with children, while I (who would be the MOST Loving and Responsible parent) am left without a child?”  Perhaps you disagree, but I think both questions are unfair.

I certainly feel for those women out there – but the problem comes with comparing our lives with that of another’s life.  We simply cannot compare ourselves/our lives or life stories to anyone else’s.  My pain may not be your pain today, and your pain may not be mine, but we each suffer pain nonetheless.  Sometimes in ways that can be unbearable to us, that perhaps we think nobody else can understand.

On the flip side, we each experience beauty and indescribable JOY in different ways too.  God gives us the Joy in the Morning to cast out the fear, loss, and shadows of the darkness.

So, while we may not understand the “why?” when we experience pain – we can still trust God to be our all in all.  We can even help ourselves a little, by not comparing our sorrows with other people’s joys.  It’s unfair to them, but it’s MORE unfair to you.

Before I knew for sure that I was going to miscarry, God led me to this passage in Isaiah:

Isaiah 40:29-31 (HCSB)

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Yahweh is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the whole earth.
He never grows faint or weary;
there is no limit to His understanding.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and strengthens the powerless.
30 Youths may faint and grow weary,
and young men stumble and fall,
31 but those who trust in the Lord
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint.

This became my prayer, that my trust in God would sustain me through whatever outcome or situation that would come.  Right then, I said to myself, “He is my strength and my refuge, and I know I will not faint with Him as my guide.

It’s true, I didn’t faint.  But, it damn near killed me inside.  I was literally a walking zombie for a few days, and weeks went by where I would just curl up and cry at night after my husband was home and taking care of the kids.  I cried so hard that it literally hurt my chest, and I thought I would choke or hyperventilate.  Because we hadn’t told many people, it was hard for me even still, because nobody knew what I was going through on the inside.

You see, having a child die inside of you, I have found, is no less real than having one die outside of you.  Except perhaps for others, since they didn’t get to know that child or even see them or even know they existed before finding out that they passed, as in my situation.

It seems that in the case of miscarriage, the mom often walks the road of sadness and mourning alone.  Having good supportive friends and family truly helps beyond imagination.  But, really it is the mother (and father too, I guess) that feels the loss most completely, since no one else had the chance to get to know the little person.

Some people may say, “Well, you can always try again…“and while this is very true, and also comforting to a degree, it is also downplaying the fact that there was a real person who was lost to that family.   It was also something harder to hear for someone like me, who wasn’t “trying” to begin with.

Anyway, I was really an emotional wreck for weeks, but then the sun started to come up.  I feel a lot more like myself now.  It’s not that I’ve gotten over Adelaide, that’s what we named her:  Adelaide Grace.  But, I have moved past the self-pity and even denial of it all.  I’m not sad anymore.   As the realization that I have a baby who gets to grow up in Heaven, and be with my grandparents, sinks in, I can smile at that.  It is sad, but also completely out of my control.  So, wallowing in self-pity and sadness would do no good for anyone.

So, here I am.

Living, enjoying life beyond my loss.  I will always remember her, and I will be happy to finally meet her in Heaven someday.  For now though, I have a little angel looking down on me watching, wanting to know what I will do in the meantime.

Please listen to this song if you get a chance, it has really ministered to me, and I pray it does for you too:


Versos en Espanol: Isaias 40:29-31 (NBLH)

…the MAIN difference between Heaven & Hell…

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What is the difference between Heaven and Hell?

Have you  E V E R wondered?  Or, do you take it for granted.  “Oh, there are lots of differences,” one may argue. “They’re complete opposites, for starters.  I mean one is like Utopia . . . and the other is like, um . . . Hell?”  Duh!! Right?! Well, I am here today to suggest there is only ONE difference that is truly important.

But first let me ask you:

What type of people are in Heaven?

What type of people are in Hell?

Many would answer those questions with, “good” and “bad,” respectively.  However, I don’t think that’s true or that, that’s what separates us [them].  I believe there will be lots of “good” people in Hell, and at least a fair number, if not a lot of “bad” people in Heaven.

You see, Hell wasn’t created as some sort of receptacle bin for all of God’s screwed up creations, all of His “mess ups” that in turn were destined to be “bad” people.

No.  First and foremost, God NEVER makes a mistake and, thus, none of His creations were mistakenly created. They were all wrought with purpose and destiny.  So, why was Hell created then??

Hell was created for the “fallen” angel Lucifer, along with the small group of angels that followed him.  Lucifer was not some lowly, unnoticed angel, but one of the most recognized and needed of all those in Heaven as Worship leader.  It is written that one day he looked out at the worshiping angels and suddenly thought they were worshiping him, instead of God,  and decided then and there that he would form a rebellion. The rest is history.

The people that end up in Hell are not -solely-bad” people.  Just as those in Heaven are not solely “good.”  There was only ONE person who was solely good, after all.

There will be both types of people in both places.  And who are we to declare a person good or bad, as if we are judging eggs?  We didn’t make them, so we know not of who they are or more rightly, who they were intended to be if they have fallen off track.  Only the creator knows each person by name and the purpose He had created them for.

We CANNOT judge others simply because they sin differently than we do.

Thus, the only real important difference between Heaven and Hell, is that those in Heaven chose to accept the saving grace of Christ as their own.

Because, no good work or good deed will ever be “good” enough to land a person in Heaven… or why else would Jesus have had to die?

On the flip side, do bad works alone result in a person’s eternal damnation?  I don’t think so.

The rejection of Christ is what separates man from God.  In other words, regardless of how “good” a man is by man’s standards, a man will still be lost unless he accepts Christ.

Likewise, regardless of how “badly” a man has chosen to live his life, he can still enter the kingdom of God, if even at the eleventh hour, he surrenders his heart to Christ.

Of course, I believe, when we get to that place – the judgement seat of Christ – each person will be judged on an individual basis and according to their own knowledge.

I just think it is important to remind ourselves of the FREE gift we receive when we accept Christ as savior.  And also, that we remember we are all created equally.  So, we need not fall into the trap of judging others because they sin differently than we do.

Take away message:

The severity of the Sin doesn’t matter, so much as your heart and your relationship with and acceptance of Christ.  He’s all that matters, and is the only TRUE difference between Heaven and Hell.


… my deepest, darkest secret…

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Today’s Daily Prompt: A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma:

Tell us something most people probably don’t know about you.

Well, because I’m pretty much an “open book,” this one was a little tough for me.

However, there is one thing about me, that most people really don’t know about. It was only recently that I started to share this part of my life with others, and only due to somewhat of an epiphany that I had after watching the film: October Baby.

Immediately following the viewing of this movie, I updated my fb status to read:

I am convinced … our secrets … you know, the ones we keep to protect ourselves from outside scrutiny? Well, they’re not REALLY “secrets” at all, but traps.  Traps meant to ensnare us; hold us captive … and the ONLY thing we are actually “hiding” is the “key”…. the key meant to set someone else free!! If I’m holding your key… come get it, please.

And I left it pretty vague like that for a few days.  Not really letting anyone know which “keys” I was holding.

So, what is this thing, this trap that held me captive for sooo long?

Attempted Murder… AKA… Abortion.

You see, I was a young, naive girl of 15.  I was embarrassed. Ashamed, more like.  I was scared.  But most of all, I was selfish. I had the “perfect” plan for my life all worked out.  I was going to get an athletic scholarship for running track, go to college, and subsequently go to med school in New York, where I had dreamt of living.

All of these plans were coming to a screeching hault the day I found out I was pregnant. I had dreams, aspirations, and BIG PLANS! None of which included a child in tow, or so I thought.

Being pregnant was not the only “problem” I had at the time. My mom was battling with bipolar disorder at the time. So, almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was placed in foster care (with a loving family I had known since grade school), and hid the fact that I was pregnant from them until I was about 5 months pregnant.

Another problem was that my then boyfriend (now husband of 10 years), was a few years my senior and for all intensive purposes I was considered, “jail bait” and he would be jail bound if the true nature of our relationship became known.

Not to mention the fact that my, “good, little, church girl” image would be shattered. And everyone I had “preached” to the past few years about saving themselves for marriage would know what I had become: A Big Fat Hypocrite.

No! This CANNOT be happening to me!

There were so many reasons why being pregnant did NOT work out for me at the time. I was an aspiring track star, for Heaven’s Sake…not some “16 and Pregnant” star (which I must say, was not a show, and thus not popular AT ALL when I was in High School).

So, my only option, I thought, was clear: Abortion.

It was the only way I could maintain my self-centered, cozy, and deceitful lifestyle. It was a Solution to my “Problem.” So, I set out on one of my very first interest- inspired research projects: “How and Where minors can go for an abortion.

Looking back, I just know in my knower, that God shielded me from ever finding ANY conclusive knowledge about how to proceed…that and epically slow and underdeveloped internet searching.  I even looked in the phone book and found nothing.

The whole time, I should note, Justin, had maintained a stance of:

It’s your body and your life, so I will support you in whatever decision you make

and he even helped a little in the “research” phase.

When the searching was inconclusive, I tried to take matters into my own hands. I went with some friends to the infamous Bourbon Street in New Orleans and consumed a whole lot of alcohol, hoping to chemically induce a miscarriage.

When that didn’t work, I threw myself into my track training at school, and literally thought:

If I run fast enough, hard enough, long enough… it will just go away…

This process of self-destruction went on for some time. Until one day at track practice, I was practicing jumping over my hurdles *ironic, right??* and I tripped on one and fell (some poetic justice, for ya)… and it was the first time I allowed myself to think of what affect the fall could have had on *my* baby.

After that, I knew I couldn’t go through with the procedure and tearfully told Justin. As soon as I told him, he joined me in tears of joy.

He was so grateful I had chosen not to end the life of our pre-born child! He even went so far as to say what I was already thinking, that our relationship would surely die with the death of our child.

So, the long and short of it is, that I went through with the pregnancy. I endured the loneliness, the stares, the gossip and felt as if I was wearing the proverbial Scarlett Letter to school everyday as my belly grew.

But, I bore it all knowing I had made the right choice…knowing that the ridicule and ugly thoughts of others would not ultimately be important in the grand scheme of things… and they weren’t.

The beautiful truth, of my first self-less act, gets to be enjoyed everyday through my eldest daughter. She turns 11 in August, boy how the time flies!

It’s funny, but I never think of what my life would have been like if I had continued down that road, without thinking also of what could have been my demise.

So, there it is…My deepest, darkest “secret out in the open for all to see… I hope it is not in vain that I shared this with you.

In fact, if you or someone you know is considering this life-altering “choice” or if you just need someone to talk to, some clarity, or whatever… My door is open… Your key is waiting… No condemnation here…there is healing in the name Jesus.

If you have already gone through with an abortion (it is estimated that 40% of women in the US have had one) and need closure or just someone to listen, please feel free to contact me!


Ps: This song ministers so much to me, and thought I would share it with you too…enjoy!

Something about the Name Jesus

Legalizing Prostitution … is it worth it?

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Ok, here we go off the beaten path for a bit… But… How to bring this topic up?? …Hmmm… Ok, let’s just get out with it…

After having this conversation quite a bit, I thought it would be a good idea to publish my own thoughts on the topic of legalizing prostitution.  This is a topic birthed from another topic near and dear to my heart, which is Sex-Trafficking.

So without further ado, here is an excerpt from my thesis, entitled: Children: The Modern Commodity, A Treatise on Sex-Trafficking. 

Appendix I: Considerations in the Effectiveness of Legalizing Prostitution


The vote is still out on regulating or legalizing prostitution.  This is still a highly controversial issue with strong opinions held on both sides.  On one hand, it is argued that legalizing prostitution exposes what is done in private and forces change, in that taxes must be paid, licensure for brothel owners must be obtained, health inspections must be allowed, and other governmental controls can be enforced to ensure the safety of “sex-workers.”  This, of course, would imply that these workers are indeed “voluntary” and not forced or coerced.  The idea is that regulating prostitution will make honest work out of it. 

Furthermore, advocates argue that by criminalizing prostitution, women working freely in the sex industry would be stripped of their means to provide for themselves and their families.  This makes one wonder: should as much sympathy be doled out to the local drug dealer, as well?  Nevertheless, the Netherlands have adopted this stance toward prostitution.  Under their governmental regulations for prostitution, brothels are legal if the owners provide the same benefits to their employees as other business owners, and if they have proper licensing to prove they are following the mandates set up by the Sex Purchase Act. 

The goal is to minimize trafficking by regulating the types of brothels and by declaring which workers are allowed to conduct business within them, i.e., no illegal foreigners are granted permission to work either as a prostitute or in any other capacity.  On the other hand, advocates for the abolition of prostitution argue that the only way to eradicate sex trafficking and to prevent it in the future is to dismantle its market entirely, which in turn, would protect those most vulnerable to it.

Regardless of the method utilized in the greater goal of eliminating trafficking, efficiency is what is sought after.  Brothel owners, traffickers, and the “Johns” that support them are all criminals, and prior to the 1999 decision, which legalized their business, they were already involved in it illegally with relative impunity. This is obviously the one thing that simply slipped past the radar of those legislators fighting for governmental regulation of prostitution in the Netherlands. 

Incredible, as it may seem, this fact alone was a major contributing factor in the decision to legalize the brothel-run business: because the Netherlands were not enforcing the original law outlawing brothels, they moved to legitimize them, in an effort to better control them (MFA, 2004).  If this type of “efficiency” seems a bit counterintuitive or even a little ironic, it’s because it is.

In other words, the likelihood of organized crime members smiling and handing over the profit they worked so hard to steal just to pay taxes- seems quite farfetched to say the least.  What is more probable is that those running these types of “businesses” made the move to be more discreet in their business dealings and continued running their show underground or illegally. 

While it is true that some brothel owners, or others seeking a business investment, may have taken advantage of this new system and converted to it wholeheartedly, the obvious situation is this- once owning a brothel was decriminalized, those choosing to remain in anonymity could do so more easily and gain an even higher profit than their tax-paying counterparts, by continuing to offer the best rates in town.  In fact, not only have many sectors of the brothel-run sex industry in the Netherlands failed to do any such “required” reporting, traffickers in the sex trade now view the Netherlands as a safe house where they can easily attain a somewhat cloaked status. 

In essence, what power is there to stop this?  By creating a law to legalize a previous crime based on the fact that there was no enforcement of that previous law, only seeks to suggest that a further problem lie ahead in the enforcement of the new law requiring taxes.  Now, to save face, the Netherlands will lead the world in believing that it was not an enforcement issue, but rather an air of nonchalance surrounding the issue that guided their decision. 

However, in light of the sheer numbers involved and the enforcement issues faced around the globe, this appears as no more than a scapegoat law.  Thus, if there were too many illegal brothels running to be able to properly incriminate them in the past, it would seem only logical that by legalizing them, in an attempt to regulate such a trade, would make it all the more difficult to enforce.  Again, unless properly enforced, a simple law does nothing to stop the average criminal from choosing to play by different rules.

Interestingly, the Netherlands and Sweden made opposite decisions about how to approach this criminal activity at virtually the same time in 1999.  So, with more than ten years into the plan, onlookers are curious to know the effects of each decision.  So much so- that according to the Women’s Justice Center in Sacramento, CA in 2003 the University of London did a comprehensive analysis on the outcomes of prostitution policies in other countries, such as Sweden, the Netherlands, and others after being solicited to do so by the Scottish government, then seeking to update their own laws.  What they found was that,

“legalization and/or regulation of prostitution led to: a dramatic increase in all facets of the sex industry, a dramatic increase in the involvement of organized crime in the sex industry, a dramatic increase in child prostitution, an explosion in the number of foreign women and girls trafficked into the region, and indications of an increase in violence against women” (de Santis, 2004).

As the first to implement this type of legislation, in Sweden, there is a “Zero-Tolerance” stance on prostitution: the buyers are prosecuted while the sellers are not.  So, ten years later is there still prostitution in Sweden? The answer is yes, however, there has been a substantial decrease in the numbers of prostitutes found; on the street, that is.  With that being said, there is a group of people that claim that this legislation has actually made it less safe for sex-workers, in that, it is all done underground now, where the hope of rescue is slim to none (Ritter, 2008).  Ritter also quotes a local escort who reasons that:

“if a sex worker seeks to establish contact with a client on the street, and police are waiting around the corner, she’s going to jump into the car without making a security assessment,”

which can result in more violence and abuse for these “hidden” workers. Supposing this to be true, the underground, un-regulated, illegal sex trade of human beings is happening everywhere with Sweden being no exception.  Thus, to be so obtuse as to suggest that as a result of Sweden passing this legislation, an underground prostitution network has evolved, rather than acknowledging its prior existence, one must really reach far. 

In actuality, the underground network in question, has been and continues to be omnipresent or everywhere, including in those countries in which prostitution has been legalized, and perhaps even more so now, due to all of the newly formed “legal” business aggregating there.  It must be a comforting realization for traffickers to see that there are not enough people or agencies, to govern, properly monitor, and enforce these laws and regulations for even the known or registered working population in this field, let alone any others slipping in unnoticed. 

So, while the number of prostitutes in the underground network is unknown in Sweden, likewise in the rest of the world, it is still a huge risk for the traffickers and pimps to set up shop in a country so openly averse to this type of business.  To expound on this assertion,

“when the buyers risk punishment, the number of men who buy prostituted persons decreases, and the local prostitution market becomes less lucrative.  Traffickers will then choose other more profitable destinations” (Ekberg, 2004). 

As more time passes, this seems to be the case.   For instance, it is becoming more apparent in countries like the Netherlands that a lack of restriction in this area breeds more rebellion; and many have spoken out about their disapproval of the increasingly larger number of individuals who have been quite-obviously trafficked into their country.  In response to this, some sources indicate that even,

the Netherlands appear to be taking a step in the direction of how Sweden has been approaching the problem for the past ten years.” (de Jong, 2009). 

Still, the question remains-: what makes more sense for a trafficker? The decision may seem a bit taxing for even the most astute trafficker: whether to set up shop in a country that openly declares the illegality of his actions or in a country that embraces his lifestyle to some degree.  Add to this a multitude of like-minded individuals, and the choice becomes much easier to make.  Kajsa Wahlberg, a member of the human trafficking unit of Sweden’s National Police board, says,

“police know from eavesdropping on human trafficking rings that Sweden is considered bad business because of its tough stance” (Ritter 2008). 

Not only are underground networks the only ones viable in Sweden, but they are also prey to the laws and legislation prosecuting even the “Johns” or customers, which also makes the choice for the Netherlands, and other countries like it, a little more appealing for traffickers.  Once again, as a reminder, it does not take too much brainpower to become a trafficker, but ignoring this fact requires even less.  Traffickers are

“calculating profits, costs and marketing [along with] the risk of getting caught,” Wahlberg said. 

Essentially, they are trying to create a bad market for these activities, and their success is being noticed around the globe (Ritter, 2008).

In conclusion, while trafficking and forced prostitution occur everywhere, those countries choosing to take a stand against the outward manifestations of it within their own borders by fighting for abolition, are making greater strides in seeing the eradication of trafficking than those choosing an alternative path.  As to those fighting for the “right” to prostitute themselves, it should be noted that the devastating results of such an industry where there is more demand for services than those willing to perform said services freely, will always require trafficking to ensure a balanced number of workers available.  

The case at hand, then, is whether to allow the rights of some to hinder the freedom of all.  There comes a time when the government has the power to make a decision for the betterment of all, if compromising a few, to do the right thing.  In the case of legalizing prostitution, where the rights of some directly interfere with the freedom of others to the point of the exaction of that freedom, the means to gain economically will never justify the end result of slavery.

So, there ya have it folks, my take on the legalization of prostitution… Now, what is YOUR take on it? I would love to know!


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