. . . l e f t o v e r s . . .

Afraid to love, something that could break.

Could I move on if you were torn away?

And I’m so close to what I can’t control.

I can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole.

~Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real

I heard this song the other day.  I’ve heard it many times before, but hearing it again, it just resonated with me.  Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real wrote this song, All of Me, in honor of his son who was born with a heart defect.  You can hear the whole story by clicking here.

Essentially though, it’s a declaration that no matter how painful this road was going to be, even if it ended in his son’s death, that he wasn’t going to check out, that he wasn’t going to be numb.  That his son was going to get “all of him.”   It’s truly a beautiful picture of what love can really be.

 

You’re gonna have all of me

You’re gonna have all of me

‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear

You’re worth facing any fear.

 Writing my story down, and sharing about my miscarriage, was something that I feared at first.  If you didn’t get a chance to read it, you can find it here: Why me? Why NOT me?.  I feared the unknown.  I feared that sharing my story would make the loss more permanent, if that makes any sense.

But, sharing it brought freedom.  It also opened the door to communication with others who have gone through similar or worse situations.   I got to hear from other women, and it gave them the opportunity to talk about their loss.

Through talking to my friends and reading accounts online, I kept hearing this recurring theme.  Leftovers.  You see, oftentimes, when a women has a miscarriage she still has a lot to deal with.  Some even have to go through with a procedure known as a D & C, or dilation and curettage.  This process is to  ensure there is nothing “left over” in the uterus, which could later cause infection.  This procedure is closure for some, but extremely difficult for others.

**As a side note**. . . A lot of women struggle to make the decision to get a D & C, and with good reason.  This procedure is often necessary, but many times doctors recommend this course of action just out of procedure.  In other words, when it’s not necessary or even too early to be sure.  All of this to say, I would like to link another website that I found helpful and encouraging when I was researching miscarriages.  I am adding it here, not to give false hope to those going through miscarriages, but to share potentially valuable information for someone who may be going through this right now.  The website is called Misdiagnosed Miscarriage. **

Anyway, this idea of Leftovers, has dominated my thoughts these past few weeks.  It’s because I believe I carry the leftovers of my failed pregnancy in my heart.

By all standards of measure, I would say that I have made a full recovery.  I’m not depressed, I’m no longer angry, and I have renewed purpose and hope.  But, of course, I’ve not forgotten – Nor, will I ever.

And hearing the words of that song, brought me back to the place of remembering.  Of remembering myself making the choice to feel the pain, instead of blocking it out and becoming numb to it.  Because that was a real danger for me – I could have told myself, “I was only 7 weeks along, so I didn’t really lose much,” and I could have further distanced myself from what really happened in order to protect myself from the hurt of the truth.  But, in feeling, I discovered depths of myself I didn’t even know went that deep.

You’re gonna know all my love

Even if it’s not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But, giving you all of me

Is where I’ll start

Why did I choose to feel the pain?  Because feeling the pain, let me feel the full capacity for which I could give love.  I found that Love and pain are two sides of the same coin.  For me, choosing to feel the pain and move beyond it was only possible through love.  So, the “leftovers” –  the lost memories, the dreams unfulfilled, and hopes of an eternity together now deferred – they live on in my heart.

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms

I won’t let pain keep you from my heart

I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose

For every moment I’ll share with you

In the end, I say:  Choose the Pain.  If you’re going through something similar, or if you have allowed yourself to be numbed to a certain painful experience, I encourage you to face that valley . . . KNOWING it could break you – But, also knowing it’s only from true brokenness that we experience peace and healing and wholeness again.

Heaven brought you to this moment, it’s too wonderful to speak

You’re worth all of me, You’re worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed

You’re worth all of me, You’re worth all of me

Afraid to love something that could break . . . So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed.

Here’s some encouragement:  If you’re able to bleed – It means, you’re ALIVE! 

If you shut yourself off from the pain, from facing fear, and grief . . . you shut yourself off from the possibility of being injured again – you can’t bleed.  Good, right??  WRONG.  If you can’t bleed – you may as well be a zombie – or dead – because, you’re definitely NOT alive.

Choose LIFE . . . And, ALL of its hurts, messiness, and disappointments – along with the joys, LOVE, and fullness – Because that’s what life is . . . a collection of experiences, not just one, but a true collection.

If you found this post today, feeling lost, desperate, or just plain numb, please let me pray this over you:

Dear Father,

You know this reader well, and You may have even sent them here just to speak to their heart on their journey to healing.  I just pray that you guide them through the pain and that they know You are with them through the darkest of times.  I ask that you free them from whatever may be holding them captive, and that they are open to love and feeling things in their entirety again.  

Let your peace cover them.  Amen.

Bottom Line:

Don’t be afraid to Feel . . . Even pain can usher us to a place where we can love.

**Peace Out Y’all**

~ Julie

. . . turning a corner and taking the LSAT . . .

The last three weeks have been a blur for me.

 

Three Months ago, before I had any idea that I was soon to become pregnant, and no sooner lose my precious Adelaide Grace, I was “secretly” studying to take the LSAT (Law School Admission Test).

What was so secret about it?  Well, I actually dreaded all of the conversations that would surely ensue once my friends and family knew I was considering going back to school, and specifically that I wanted to go back for Law, not for Med School.  You see, I have been planning on going to Med School since I was 12 years old.  Yes, I was a serious Type A, Driven personality . . . I’m somewhat “reformed” now.  Anyway, I really didn’t want to answer questions like:

Oh, you want to be a lawyer?  What are you going to do about schooling your children? (We currently homeschool).  Where do you want to go to school?  What type of law do you want to practice/are interested in?  And the especially dreaded: I thought you wanted to go to Med School??

These are questions and conversations that I not only dreaded, but actually feared.  I had no good/ calculated responses to give people for these questions.  The truth is, that I only wanted to take the LSAT to see where I would fall on the spectrum.  I wanted to confirm what I knew in my heart was the next step of the journey for me.

Ever since I was a little girl, I was told I would make an excellent attorney.  Having family (namely, my mom and a couple of aunts) that have worked in the law profession my whole life, I took this to heart.  However, I decided very early on that I wanted to help people in meaningful ways and I definitely wanted do mission work in other countries, so becoming a doctor fit that bill much more precisely, I thought.  After all, who ever heard of a lawyer actually “helping” someone? 😉  Plus, I thought it would be super easy for me to get into Law School, and I thought Med School would be a better challenge; obviously I NEVER struggled with Pride . . . LOL.

Well, a few years ago, before my youngest Miles was born, I reconsidered going to Law School.  I couldn’t get past the personal statement though.  There was no desire to go, just a thought that it would be easier than the path I was heading down – straight for Med School.  So, I dropped the idea.

And actually, there was a pretty life-altering event which happened later that year, that made me realize I wanted to take a break from school altogether.  When I was 19 weeks pregnant, my family and I were in a horrible car accident with a drunk driver that almost caused me to lose my unborn baby ,and which resulted in my youngest at the time, having to get internal and external stitches right through her upper right eyebrow.  She was unconscious and bleeding profusely from the head right after being hit.  It was a nightmare.  I will have to share that story and the miraculous things that happened another time, just suffice it to say, I had a wake up call.  I wanted to stay home with my kids and spend as much time with them as possible.

I finished out one of my undergrad degrees (Spanish), and got a minor in the other degree I was working toward (Biology).  Then, I came home to be Full-Time Mommy and Homeschool Mom.  It has been an incredible journey!  So, why upset the flow you may  wonder?  Well, when I decided to put my Med School aspirations on Hold, God Opened my eyes to another interest:  Activism.

Because, I wanted to finish my undergrad faster, I decided to pursue an Honor’s degree in Spanish, instead of my original dual-degree plan.  To get the Honors distinction, I had to write a Thesis.  That was an incredibly stretching period of my life.  I did my research on Human Trafficking of Children in South America, specifically focused on Sex-Trafficking.

It was one of the most difficult things I had ever done.  Perhaps, I will upload a copy of my Thesis on here one day, it was entitled:  Children:  The Modern Commodity.  I knew then, that I would one day pursue a Law Degree to be able to help those that couldn’t help themselves in the Legal System.  I read so many accounts of girls being lost to the system or worse, being persecuted for their “crimes,” when in fact they were being forced into this life of sex-slavery.  I had finally found a reason to pursue the law degree that I thought was useless in really making a difference.

I’m sorry this post seems to be going in all directions.  Each paragraph I write, I feel could merit its own post, in a way.

But, today I am writing out of pure therapeutic necessity, so please bear with me.

What has changed?  Do I suddenly no longer want to spend as much time with my kids as possible?  No, that’s not the case.  As time has gone on, I just have felt this nagging sensation in the back of my mind, asking me: “When are we going back to school?”

I don’t really know.  Maybe now, maybe later.  I just wanted to see where I fell on the spectrum, really.  I was fairly positive this was the direction I was “supposed” to be heading in.  Then, I got pregnant.

I started obsessing over “trying to find the good in it,” by reading tons of pregnancy articles, “How-To surprise family with the news” posts, and more that genuinely got me beyond Excited for the new addition to come along, even if it meant putting my plans on hold for a time.  I was relieved in a way, that I wouldn’t have to think or pray about what was going to happen next anymore.  Boy, was I in for a surprise.  I spent those 7 weeks of pregnancy preparing for my life to change in a great way, and completely put studying on hold.

Then, when I lost the baby, I spent weeks mourning.  In the end, I had about 2 weeks left to study for the test I had registered for, which often requires 3 months of study to pass with acceptable (Scholarship-wielding) scores.  I would not take a minute of it back though.

Even if I knew from day one of finding out that I was pregnant, that the pregnancy wasn’t going to be “viable” in the end, I still would have reveled in every moment.  I got to experience a new life, if even for such a short time.  Each day I had with Adelaide, was a day I had hope for a future with four healthy children running and playing together.  Each day was a new day to dream about what it would look like to be a mom again, and the challenges and joys I would expect along the way.

So, needless to say, I was a little confused about what to do next.  Even though we weren’t planning on having another baby at the time, the love and loss we experienced with Adelaide was enough to open our minds and our hearts to the idea of having another baby.  We still have time to think and pray about this, and that in itself is an exciting prospect.  In the meantime though, we decided I would take my test anyway.

When I threw myself back into studying, I thought of my sweet Adelaide looking down on me from Heaven.  Watching me pick up the pieces of my heart that were scattered from here to there.  Watching me NOT give up.  Watching me Move on and Remember in a good way, not in a despotic kind of way.  I just imagine her looking down and being happy that I didn’t let her passing on to greener pastures, ruin me completely.

So, all of this to say I took the test June 9th.  And, it was HARD.  Of course, it was nothing to losing an unborn child.  But, I went into the test with only 2 weeks of study under my belt, and a lot of prayers that I would do my best.

I felt great, even though many people have written on forums since then about how difficult this past test was and how basically, it was unlike any other test in a lot of regards.  I started to doubt myself then, that maybe I felt a false sense of accomplishment on test day?  That’s when the neurosis of wanting to know how well I did immediately, knowing it would be 3 weeks before finding out, kicked in.  Initially, I went into the test thinking: “Yeah, I’m gonna take the test and then just chill for three weeks.  That’s really not that long to have to wait.”  That night, I was like: “Hmmm, I wonder if they posted the scores yet??” LOL 🙂

Well, I get my score back this week.  Anytime from today until Thursday.  The test that for many, is the determining factor in what they will do with the rest of their lives.  It’s been a lot, but definitely not the determining factor for me.  For me, I know that regardless of how well I did or didn’t do, I will wait on the Lord to guide my steps.

You never know what is around the corner, and I want to be turning the corner I was meant to turn at the appointed time I am to turn it.

Here’s to hoping I actually did do well, though . . .  lol!  But, to answer the question:  What do you want to do with your life?  My answer remains:  We shall see!! 

 

*Peace Out Y’all*

~ Julie ~

. . . Why me? Why NOT me? . . .

I dedicate this post to: Adelaide Grace

 

I haven’t blogged in a while.

Life just seems to throw us curveballs sometimes.  These times, often make interacting with others more difficult than at other times . . . happier times.  I have been on the proverbial “Emotional Roller Coaster” the past few weeks, and despite my initial inclination to keep this a private matter, I’ve decided to share it.  My hope is that sharing my experience may bring Hope, Healing, and Freedom to not only me, but perhaps a few others as well.  That’s what we writers do though, we write.  We tell the stories on our hearts, and share the experiences that maybe others can’t quite put into words.

The stark reality is that I have recently suffered the most painful experience of my life:  a miscarriage.

And, it’s true what they say; that you can’t fully understand the pain of a miscarriage, unless you have gone through one yourself.  At least that has been my experience.  It’s a pain I am ill equipped to describe, or put into words.  I just never knew losing something, someone, I should say, so soon (a mere 7 weeks, in my case), especially before ever really getting to know them could be so heart wrenching.  But it was . . . it is.

When I found out on April Fool’s that I was pregnant, I immediately thought, “You’re funny God!”  “Why me??”  How am I going to manage with 4 children, plus do all of the other things I have felt called to do??  I sent the picture of the positive tests, yes both of them (verification was needed),  to my husband, whose immediate response was to call me, and ask: “What does that mean?”  I laughed, and said I thought it was pretty self explanatory, especially since I sent him a picture of the box with directions on how to read the results.  Needless to say, we weren’t “trying to conceive.”  It just happened.  A surprise.

I LOVE surprises!  But, at first, this surprise took me a second to get excited about.  We already have 3 beautiful children, and we just weren’t expecting to expand our family at this time.  I’m actually in the process of preparing for a big test I’m taking in early June, the LSAT.  So, I was just confused about the timing is all.  But, with the knowledge that God thought we could handle it, we were ready to put everything on hold again, and accept this new treasure into our family and into our hearts.

We hadn’t told many people we were expecting, still many people don’t know.  We wanted to wait out the “danger zone,” of the first trimester before saying anything.   But, I NEVER considered the “danger zone” would ever affect me.  I have had 3 textbook pregnancies, and 3 better than textbook deliveries, all natural (no epidurals ever).  What did I need to worry about??

In all honesty, I have even felt a little guilty at times, at the ease of which our family has been able to conceive, especially since our first child was a “teenage pregnancy,” while others I have known have struggled.  Conversely, after miscarrying, I felt a slight pang of jealousy scrolling down my Facebook news feed seeing all of the newborn babies and friends of mine getting ready to have their babies.  And I thought, “Why Not me?”

But, really and truly this is a silly mindset of mine, and yes, I will say it: of those who ask the question: “Why do seemingly ‘undeserving/unfit’ parents end up with children, while I (who would be the MOST Loving and Responsible parent) am left without a child?”  Perhaps you disagree, but I think both questions are unfair.

I certainly feel for those women out there – but the problem comes with comparing our lives with that of another’s life.  We simply cannot compare ourselves/our lives or life stories to anyone else’s.  My pain may not be your pain today, and your pain may not be mine, but we each suffer pain nonetheless.  Sometimes in ways that can be unbearable to us, that perhaps we think nobody else can understand.

On the flip side, we each experience beauty and indescribable JOY in different ways too.  God gives us the Joy in the Morning to cast out the fear, loss, and shadows of the darkness.

So, while we may not understand the “why?” when we experience pain – we can still trust God to be our all in all.  We can even help ourselves a little, by not comparing our sorrows with other people’s joys.  It’s unfair to them, but it’s MORE unfair to you.

Before I knew for sure that I was going to miscarry, God led me to this passage in Isaiah:

Isaiah 40:29-31 (HCSB)

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Yahweh is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the whole earth.
He never grows faint or weary;
there is no limit to His understanding.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and strengthens the powerless.
30 Youths may faint and grow weary,
and young men stumble and fall,
31 but those who trust in the Lord
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint.

This became my prayer, that my trust in God would sustain me through whatever outcome or situation that would come.  Right then, I said to myself, “He is my strength and my refuge, and I know I will not faint with Him as my guide.”

It’s true, I didn’t faint.  But, it damn near killed me inside.  I was literally a walking zombie for a few days, and weeks went by where I would just curl up and cry at night after my husband was home and taking care of the kids.  I cried so hard that it literally hurt my chest, and I thought I would choke or hyperventilate.  Because we hadn’t told many people, it was hard for me even still, because nobody knew what I was going through on the inside.

You see, having a child die inside of you, I have found, is no less real than having one die outside of you.  Except perhaps for others, since they didn’t get to know that child or even see them or even know they existed before finding out that they passed, as in my situation.

It seems that in the case of miscarriage, the mom often walks the road of sadness and mourning alone.  Having good supportive friends and family truly helps beyond imagination.  But, really it is the mother (and father too, I guess) that feels the loss most completely, since no one else had the chance to get to know the little person.

Some people may say, “Well, you can always try again…“and while this is very true, and also comforting to a degree, it is also downplaying the fact that there was a real person who was lost to that family.   It was also something harder to hear for someone like me, who wasn’t “trying” to begin with.

Anyway, I was really an emotional wreck for weeks, but then the sun started to come up.  I feel a lot more like myself now.  It’s not that I’ve gotten over Adelaide, that’s what we named her:  Adelaide Grace.  But, I have moved past the self-pity and even denial of it all.  I’m not sad anymore.   As the realization that I have a baby who gets to grow up in Heaven, and be with my grandparents, sinks in, I can smile at that.  It is sad, but also completely out of my control.  So, wallowing in self-pity and sadness would do no good for anyone.

So, here I am.

Living, enjoying life beyond my loss.  I will always remember her, and I will be happy to finally meet her in Heaven someday.  For now though, I have a little angel looking down on me watching, wanting to know what I will do in the meantime.

Please listen to this song if you get a chance, it has really ministered to me, and I pray it does for you too:

 

Versos en Espanol: Isaias 40:29-31 (NBLH)