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. . . Why me? Why NOT me? . . .

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I dedicate this post to: Adelaide Grace

 

I haven’t blogged in a while.

Life just seems to throw us curveballs sometimes.  These times, often make interacting with others more difficult than at other times . . . happier times.  I have been on the proverbial “Emotional Roller Coaster” the past few weeks, and despite my initial inclination to keep this a private matter, I’ve decided to share it.  My hope is that sharing my experience may bring Hope, Healing, and Freedom to not only me, but perhaps a few others as well.  That’s what we writers do though, we write.  We tell the stories on our hearts, and share the experiences that maybe others can’t quite put into words.

The stark reality is that I have recently suffered the most painful experience of my life:  a miscarriage.

And, it’s true what they say; that you can’t fully understand the pain of a miscarriage, unless you have gone through one yourself.  At least that has been my experience.  It’s a pain I am ill equipped to describe, or put into words.  I just never knew losing something, someone, I should say, so soon (a mere 7 weeks, in my case), especially before ever really getting to know them could be so heart wrenching.  But it was . . . it is.

When I found out on April Fool’s that I was pregnant, I immediately thought, “You’re funny God!”  “Why me??”  How am I going to manage with 4 children, plus do all of the other things I have felt called to do??  I sent the picture of the positive tests, yes both of them (verification was needed),  to my husband, whose immediate response was to call me, and ask: “What does that mean?”  I laughed, and said I thought it was pretty self explanatory, especially since I sent him a picture of the box with directions on how to read the results.  Needless to say, we weren’t “trying to conceive.”  It just happened.  A surprise.

I LOVE surprises!  But, at first, this surprise took me a second to get excited about.  We already have 3 beautiful children, and we just weren’t expecting to expand our family at this time.  I’m actually in the process of preparing for a big test I’m taking in early June, the LSAT.  So, I was just confused about the timing is all.  But, with the knowledge that God thought we could handle it, we were ready to put everything on hold again, and accept this new treasure into our family and into our hearts.

We hadn’t told many people we were expecting, still many people don’t know.  We wanted to wait out the “danger zone,” of the first trimester before saying anything.   But, I NEVER considered the “danger zone” would ever affect me.  I have had 3 textbook pregnancies, and 3 better than textbook deliveries, all natural (no epidurals ever).  What did I need to worry about??

In all honesty, I have even felt a little guilty at times, at the ease of which our family has been able to conceive, especially since our first child was a “teenage pregnancy,” while others I have known have struggled.  Conversely, after miscarrying, I felt a slight pang of jealousy scrolling down my Facebook news feed seeing all of the newborn babies and friends of mine getting ready to have their babies.  And I thought, “Why Not me?

But, really and truly this is a silly mindset of mine, and yes, I will say it: of those who ask the question: “Why do seemingly ‘undeserving/unfit’ parents end up with children, while I (who would be the MOST Loving and Responsible parent) am left without a child?”  Perhaps you disagree, but I think both questions are unfair.

I certainly feel for those women out there – but the problem comes with comparing our lives with that of another’s life.  We simply cannot compare ourselves/our lives or life stories to anyone else’s.  My pain may not be your pain today, and your pain may not be mine, but we each suffer pain nonetheless.  Sometimes in ways that can be unbearable to us, that perhaps we think nobody else can understand.

On the flip side, we each experience beauty and indescribable JOY in different ways too.  God gives us the Joy in the Morning to cast out the fear, loss, and shadows of the darkness.

So, while we may not understand the “why?” when we experience pain – we can still trust God to be our all in all.  We can even help ourselves a little, by not comparing our sorrows with other people’s joys.  It’s unfair to them, but it’s MORE unfair to you.

Before I knew for sure that I was going to miscarry, God led me to this passage in Isaiah:

Isaiah 40:29-31 (HCSB)

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
Yahweh is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the whole earth.
He never grows faint or weary;
there is no limit to His understanding.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and strengthens the powerless.
30 Youths may faint and grow weary,
and young men stumble and fall,
31 but those who trust in the Lord
will renew their strength;
they will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary;
they will walk and not faint.

This became my prayer, that my trust in God would sustain me through whatever outcome or situation that would come.  Right then, I said to myself, “He is my strength and my refuge, and I know I will not faint with Him as my guide.

It’s true, I didn’t faint.  But, it damn near killed me inside.  I was literally a walking zombie for a few days, and weeks went by where I would just curl up and cry at night after my husband was home and taking care of the kids.  I cried so hard that it literally hurt my chest, and I thought I would choke or hyperventilate.  Because we hadn’t told many people, it was hard for me even still, because nobody knew what I was going through on the inside.

You see, having a child die inside of you, I have found, is no less real than having one die outside of you.  Except perhaps for others, since they didn’t get to know that child or even see them or even know they existed before finding out that they passed, as in my situation.

It seems that in the case of miscarriage, the mom often walks the road of sadness and mourning alone.  Having good supportive friends and family truly helps beyond imagination.  But, really it is the mother (and father too, I guess) that feels the loss most completely, since no one else had the chance to get to know the little person.

Some people may say, “Well, you can always try again…“and while this is very true, and also comforting to a degree, it is also downplaying the fact that there was a real person who was lost to that family.   It was also something harder to hear for someone like me, who wasn’t “trying” to begin with.

Anyway, I was really an emotional wreck for weeks, but then the sun started to come up.  I feel a lot more like myself now.  It’s not that I’ve gotten over Adelaide, that’s what we named her:  Adelaide Grace.  But, I have moved past the self-pity and even denial of it all.  I’m not sad anymore.   As the realization that I have a baby who gets to grow up in Heaven, and be with my grandparents, sinks in, I can smile at that.  It is sad, but also completely out of my control.  So, wallowing in self-pity and sadness would do no good for anyone.

So, here I am.

Living, enjoying life beyond my loss.  I will always remember her, and I will be happy to finally meet her in Heaven someday.  For now though, I have a little angel looking down on me watching, wanting to know what I will do in the meantime.

Please listen to this song if you get a chance, it has really ministered to me, and I pray it does for you too:

 

Versos en Espanol: Isaias 40:29-31 (NBLH)

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22 responses »

  1. I am sorry.

    Your post’s words brought to mind a song, the one about “You’ve got to walk, that lonesome valley, you’ve got to go there by yourself, no one else, can go there with you, you’ve go to go, there by yourself.” (It’s an old Christian song.) Probably every mom who miscarriages, even with the warmth of friends and family, must walk the lonesome valley by themselves. I have miscarried once, and it was my kids who taught me that there is a beautiful spirit who came into our lives briefly, deserves a name, and will greet us in Heaven. I distanced myself with chromosomal abnormality thoughts…

    I appreciate how you point out to us that it’s not fair to US to compare and ask “Why not me?” And I love the Scripture passage. One line of it keeps coming back to me frequently.

    I am sorry for your miscarriage. I send you thoughts and prayers. ~~Terri

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    • Thank you.

      You’re so right about your mind wanting to dismiss the loss as a scientific defect, but when we think about life as starting at conception, it overpowers that thought. I’m glad your kids saw the beauty in it and that you named him/her. Not that we really know if it is a him/her that early on, but we can sometimes have a gut feeling about the right name anyway. The whole time I was pregnant, the name Adelaide stuck with me. Afterwards, when I looked up the meaning, it meant “nobility,” and I thought that was so fitting, since “she” would be growing up in a Glorious Kingdom!

      Anyway, it definitely helps to take another perspective and especially helped me to realize that the only victory death can have is that which I give it. And if I’m constantly wondering “why me?” Or “why not me?” I’m forfeiting my victory in a way and also my joy. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers and encouragement!!

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  2. Me and and my soon to be ex,have suffered 4 miscarriages in the last 2.5yrs,twins both first times and a little girl first time round.
    Perharps the worst thing as a man I felt
    But watching her pain as she failed like she failed me was worst

    We drifted apart after that and that pain we both feel,the mistake was never to feel it with each other.
    She shops I buy a car,we renovate the house only to find out there is no family to fill it,

    I have this she has that but we have nothing to fill it with.

    These nights I blog coz I know downstairs still holds the twin beds,the bedroom and am hurt,then I drink in my expensive sport car and ask God why?!!!
    ……hence I write

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    • I am so sorry to hear about your losses!! It is such a hard thing, but I know even harder still when you have never had any children at all. There are no words I can say that will etch away the pain. I can only say, I know the pain of dreaming about a child that never comes home to live with you.

      You’re so right, things just can’t fill the void of a person. For me, I hope that one day we can adopt and or have another natural child. But, if that never happens, I know we have a baby growing up In the kingdom of the most high where we will get to see her for the first time one day. As do you.

      I’m sorry you had to go through this too! I hope you can work things out, and find healing. You know you can’t heal yourself, so I pray you let down your guard and let the One who does healing best, begin to heal your heart! You can trust your Heavenly Friend even when it may seem He has let you down. Praying healing for you my friend.

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  3. Denine Taylor

    I am so sorry for your loss. I was too was a teenage mother, and now have three children. I am 45, and two weeks ago I found out I am very unexpectedly pregnant 8 weeks so far. I am scared to death. 54% chances of miscarriage at my age. Not to mention the high chances of birth defects. But I am like you instantly in love and want this baby so very much. I started spotting a week ago, and I know there is not much I can to do alter the out come either way other then pray. I go next week for an ultra-sound the thought of hearing the heart beat or not hearing the heart beat terrifies me. I am trusting the Lord and whatever happens I know I am not alone. Thanks you for sharing your story. your love, your loss, and your hope. It has helped to give me some peace. Blessings to you!!!

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    • Wow! Glad to meet you! I can certainly understand your anxiety! But, we can always pray and hope, like you said! I’m pretty sure my grandmother had her last child #14 (crazy, I know!) at age 45 and she had my mom #10, at age 40 . . . So, anything is possible!

      I will be praying that everything turns out alright for you, and that you get to hear that heartbeat! The waiting to find out, is one if the worse parts of a situation like this, I know. But, you are right, you are so not alone!

      I pray blessings and peace over you in this time, and that God’s hand stays steadily on you!

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      • Denine Taylor

        I am glad I found you here! Thanks for the encouragement! And thanks for the prayers they are sincerely appreciated. Yes. waiting is awful feels almost as if time has stopped. Blessings and peace to you as well. You have a beautiful family by the way!

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        • Me too! You’re welcome … I know what you mean about time stopping! Thanks so much to you too!

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          • Denine Taylor

            Well, I think I miscarried yesterday. I had cramping and bleeding all day. Laid on the bed listening to the oceans song and crying. I’m doing ok. They are going to have me come in still on Thursday for the ultra sound and see the doctor to make sure everything passed. Just trusting God is in control and there was a reason for the life even if it was so short. God told me my love for my little Lima bean was not lost or wasted. I am glad if it was going to happen it happened sooner than later. Thanks again for your prayers. And sharing your heart with your post. Helps me to know it will get better.

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            • Oh Denine, I’m so sorry and saddened to hear that. Absolutely, the life had purpose and meaning; and you are right, nothing was wasted in opening your heart to love for any amount of time. It hurts, it really hurts, and the feelings of sadness may come in waves. But, you’re going in the right direction when you put your hope and trust in Him. With a heavy heart, I can say it does “get better” over time. But, you will never forget. It’s really important to give yourself the time and space that you need in order to grieve. There is no time frame for this and it will be very personal to you. One thing that did help me in a big way, was to give the baby a name. Maybe after you’ve allowed yourself some time to grieve, you can think about that also.

              Again, Denine I’m really sorry for your loss!! I pray God covers you in His peace during this time. I am here if you need to talk.

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              • Denine Taylor

                I was for sure it was a boy we were thinking Aiden Daniel for the name. Yes it does come in waves. I feel like I’ll be ok then the next minute I feel like I could die. : ( Thanks again for your prayers and sharing. I too am sorry for your loss. I also very thankful for your kind words and encouragement . Love and blessings to you and your family.

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                • Awe, that’s a sweet name. For me, something interesting and different, was having a name so early on. Normally, we have a hard time picking out a name and have even waited to the last minute. But this time, that name just stuck with me from the beginning. As far as the emotional side of things . . . That’s exactly how I felt, like I was “fine” one minute, and then a complete mess the next. I’m truly sorry for us both as well. Blessings to you guys also!! Sending Peace and love your way!! And a big Hug!

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  4. Denine Taylor

    Ps I love this song!

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    • Me too!!! It has been such a great refuge! I have loved it since the first time I heard it and it applies to everything…it is So sweet and almost acts as a healing balm.

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  5. Oh Julie, I am crying, so sorry for your loss. I have 3 brothers and 2 of them their wife’s had miscarriages, one each, two boys, little angels. I know I cannot feel the pain you have felt, but I can understand how hard it was, I will never forget my sisters in laws it took them months to get over it. I get the part of the mourning, it is different and often people just tell you things that you do not want to hear. I am glad you things change, and is true we often compare or life’s to others and that is a bad thing.

    My father die of cancer, he was paralyze from half of his body, my pain is different now, I know now that he is in a better place and he hugs god and my family, but there are times the pain comes back and it is normal, I think god gives us the strenght to continue with life and everything happens for a reason, we might not understand it at the time but he knows what he is doing.

    I will pray and light a candle today for Adelaide Grace, your little angel who is watching over you, and for you and your family. Sending you blessings and love, if you need to talk about it my email is dorisgpg@yahoo.com

    Doris

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    • Thank you my sweet friend!

      You’re right, the pain is different and comes in waves. I don’t know what the future brings, but as of now, I am at peace. Whereas for you, you had a lifetime of memories with your dad and probably have great memories, so also a lot more to mourn for! I have not experienced the pain of losing a parent, and cannot imagine it. But, neither of our pain can be denied.

      Thank you for reaching out to me and praying for us and also for lighting a candle for her! I appreciate that so much, so thank you! (I will also save your email in case of need, thanks.)

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  6. No words.
    Truly. sorry.
    Heart,
    Dani

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  7. Pingback: . . . turning a corner . . . | Path Discoveries

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